Maybe this really is RuPaul’s Best Friend Race?? After the premiere’s dalliance in psychological torture, we return this week with just about the most wholesome Drag Race episode in the show’s 13 seasons.
But first! We must wrap up the psychological torture! The queens in the Porkchop Loading Dock are voting one of their own out with lipsticks All Stars-style. They didn’t even get to see each other’s lip syncs so this is based entirely on first impressions. Joey votes Elliott. Denali votes Joey. Kahmora votes Utica. The rest remain anonymous to the viewers but Elliott and Utica tie for the bottom. They do a re-vote and bye-bye Elliott — two Ts, three eliminations, one hour on Drag Race. Impressive stats.
Not to be that girl, but I’ve watched enough Drag Race to know this wasn’t the end for Elliott. Still, the queens seem so convinced! Rosé the Gemini has a comically cold confessional where she’s basically like oh well.
But enough about the losers! Back in the workroom the winners are starting their first real day. Ru pops up on the screen to congratulate them on a job well done and Olivia flashes the cutest little self-satisfied smile!! Have I mentioned I have a crush on Olivia and her smile? I have a crush on Olivia and her smile.
Ru joins them in the workroom and who does he introduce? Elliott! With 2 Ts! Ru gives an inspirational speech about how they’re all winners and how they shouldn’t let anyone make them feel bad about themselves and it’s like okay but you just psychologically tortured them you terrifying fracker.
All of the other queens are immediately paranoid about Elliott and Elliott doesn’t help by immediately talking shit to the shit talker herself, Kandy Muse. This was a big episode for Gottmik re: trans stuff, but I am also very closely tracking her romantic possibilities, and I must say she seemed delighted by Elliott creating drama.
The mini challenge is two runway looks which is often the first challenge in premieres. I always love this, because it acts as a great introduction to the queens’ aesthetics and leads to some truly iconic looks. (Remember Violet Chachki’s reveal??) The first category is Daytime Drama Mama and the queens do not disappoint — especially Gottmik and Symone. Gottmik wears a latex dress with a rainbow on the bottom and a bright blue sky on top. Symone wears a fabulous multicolored suit.
The next category is Nighttime. Gottmik is once again the standout, with a long black dress with a slit up the side and one of her nipples only covered with a pasty. She says that since she had top surgery she loves to have her nipples out and what a gift for us all. Tina says with her outfit she was trying to show her sexy side — it’s helpful when queens explain their high concept looks. Elliott similarly touts her sexiness saying she belongs in a Gentlemen’s Club — I think in this case the gentleman is Tim Burton. (I’m sorry, but if Ru is going to be nice this episode I’m going to be mean!)
The main challenge is a new version of Ru’s song “Condragulations.” The queens will each write a verse and choreograph the number together. We learn that Tina was in a boy band and that Olivia writes music and plays piano! “Who’s ready to be the star student? Me!” she exclaims. Adorable.
No one wants to take charge of the choreography, so Tina takes over by default. Elliott is literally a choreographer, but she is intimidated as the loser of the bunch. I get that, but also she should’ve shown what she can do! And her plan backfires because eventually she does swoop in and her initial hesitation just makes everyone more suspicious of her. Gottmik is thrown when they start choreographing her section because her lyrics start “I was born a girl” and she hasn’t disclosed to the cast yet. She suddenly feels really dysphoric in a way that surprises her and she’s worried it will hold her back.
The next day Gottmik is feeling a bit better and confides in Olivia. Olivia’s so supportive!! She says her pronouns are she in drag, he out of drag and asks Gottmik for hers. Gottmik says hers are the same and she feels clocked when people overcompensate and he/him her in drag. It’s a really nice moment and endeared me to both queens even more. As a trans woman who hangs out in a lot of overtly cis dykey spaces I feel a kinship to Gottmik inserting herself into such an aggressively AMAB space. I’m sure doing it on television is even harder. It makes total sense that she’d have new waves of imposter syndrome-induced dysphoria.
The simmering drama with the newly dubbed “Elliott the Spy” simmers down to nothing after she explains what really happened in the Porkchop Loading Dock. LaLa points out that Elliott got eliminated three times and suspicion sort of just turns to sympathy. The queens are more concerned that the others weren’t actually sent home which is very silly to me, because of course they weren’t. They talk about who they would send home of each other and give the pageant girl answer of saying their biggest threats. The consensus? Tina and Gottmik are the biggest threats. But Olivia thinks they shouldn’t underestimate her.
The new version of “Condragulations” is fun, but the song isn’t great to begin with and the queens don’t quite reach the level of last year’s incredible “I’m That Bitch.” That said, LaLa and Symone were the two standouts and everyone at least did pretty well.
The runway category is Lamé You Stay and once again Gottmik and Symone wow. Symone is dressed as a sexy boxer. Much like her bestie/roommate Gigi Goode, Symone refuses to rest on her looks and instead loves a concept. Personally, I love when people are beautiful and clever, because then I don’t have to admit to being shallow.
Ru, Michelle, and Ross are joined this episode by choreographer Jamal Sims. Michelle has a grey streak in her hair and it really did a lot for me. For some reason all four judges are So Nice. They point out a few missteps among the queens, but mostly their notes are just encouragement and jokes about poppers.
Backstage during Untucked the queens also have a lovefest. Symone gushes over LaLa, Gottmik officially discloses to everyone else to lovely feedback, and everyone talks about how much they love each other. Is this what quarantine has done? Everyone is so starved for human connection that you put a couple of catty drag queens in a room together for a week and they’re ready to elope like Clare and Dale on The Bachelorette??
I don’t mean to sound disappointed. I love to see the queens thrive and get along. And it would’ve felt wrong for anyone other than Elliott to go home this week. Instead having Symone and Olivia lip syncing for the win and $5K was a treat. They’re both sexy and campy and just pure entertainment. And I was thrilled for Symone to get another win.
But I’d be lying if I wasn’t daydreaming of next week when the insecure losers are at each other’s throats — or the week after when the two teams come together. Maybe this is all part of Ru’s long game of psychological torture. Create hierarchies, create alliances, force Gottmik to do another round of disclosures.
I’m sorry I doubted you, Ru. The library will soon be open.
Teleport Us to Mars!! Here Are Some Random Thoughts:
+ Tina mentions that back in New York, Kandy created a lot of unnecessary drama. But Elliott came for her pretty aggressively and she kept her cool. I guess we’ll see…
+ Symone compares her second runway look to The Matrix Revolutions which feels pretty trans to me.
+ An ad for Boy Butter! On TV! You love to see it.
+ The main challenge was sponsored by the Werq the World Tour — Ru never fails to be Ru.
+ When Gottmik disclosed during Untucked, I was so confused, because I felt like her lyrics were obviously a disclosure. But nope! LaLa admits to having no idea from the lyrics that Gottmik is trans.
+ Ru jokes that this week there no bottoms, only tops, except the judges. I’m sorry but I refuse to believe Michelle Visage is anything less than a top-leaning switch. I’m actually fully convinced she topped Adore Delano while they were on tour and that’s why Adore was so hurt when she was mean to her on All Stars 2. Is this based on anything but vibes? No. But please don’t take this fanfic away from me.
+ Queen I’m rooting for: Symone (is she the frontrunner now??)
+Queen I have the biggest crush on: Olivia Lux, Gottmik, and the thought of Olivia Lux and Gottmik together
+ Queen I have weird sexual feelings for that I need to unpack:The grey streak in Michelle Visage’s hair
A place for discussions for and by cis and trans lesbians, bisexual girls, chicks who like chicks, bi-curious folks, dykes, butches, femmes, girls who kiss girls, birls, bois, aces, LGBT allies, and anyone else interested! Our subreddit is named r/actuallesbians because r/lesbians is not really for or by lesbians–it was meant to be a joke. We’re not a militant or exclusive group, so feel free to join up!
this post was supposed to go up on monday but there was a wordpress error i didn’t know about because i was off on monday + tuesday so it’s here now sorry!
Get your butt onto your bicycles ’cause writer Erin Sullivan (creator of the “Who Killed Jenny Schecter” podcast and also Riese’s roommate) is here to discuss Episode 510, Lifecycle! Join us as we discover that Tasha has other friends, Adele is great at brand deals, Bette is a big ol cheater, Tina can’t help loving Bette it’s a thing she can’t help, Molly is ready for Lesbian Sex 102 and Niki has never used a strap-on before! It’s one of our favorite L Word episodes of all time so you will NOT want to miss a thing!
Riese: Hi, I’m Riese!
Carly: And I’m Carly!
Riese: And this is—
Carly and Riese:To L and Back!
Riese: I’m thirsty already.
Carly: Oh my god, drink break! I’m drinking water, what are you drinking?
Riese: I’m drinking water, and I’m also drinking Moon Juice.
Carly: Oh my god, fancy! Very fancy.
Riese: Drinking this counts as accomplishing something today.
Carly: If you put something on a list, and then you check it off, you’ve done something today.
Riese: Yeah, and today I put — I actually did do some things today, I went to the post office.
Carly: That’s huge!
Riese: It was terrible.
Carly: That is huge, because going to the post office is almost always a terrible experience.
Riese: Yeah, well, I need a passport just in case.
Carly: Oof, yeah.
Erin: To be fair, our local post office men are pretty scary.
Erin: I fully think that they will murder me one day. And that will be fine with me, because I just respect them so much.
Riese: Yeah, you’ve been ready for a while.
Erin: Yeah, I respect them.
Carly: Every time I go to the post office, the people that work there are great, and the people who are there to be patrons of the post office are all monster people.
Erin: Bad. Yeah, agree.
Carly: And that’s been my general experience, it’s very bad.
Riese: We should probably introduce our special guest today!
Carly: Should we say what this podcast is?
Riese: Oh, ok, yeah, alright. Yeah, let’s say what the podcast is first.
Riese: This is a podcast about a television show called The L Word, which aired on ShowTime.
Erin: Oh, ok.
Riese: A premium cable network, in 2004.
Carly: And it was about a group of woodland creatures who live in the forest and sometimes ride bikes.
Riese: Yeah, yeah. It was mostly a cooking show.
Carly: Yes, exactly. Yeah, not a lot of people know that, that was the original pitch.
Riese: Yeah, that was the original pitch.
Erin: Wow, it really evolved as a show.
Riese: It really did, yeah. It went from pies to lesbian sex.
Carly: But the only part of the original pitch that stayed was the pear and polenta tart at The Planet.
Riese: Uh huh, yeah.
Erin: Oh my god!
Carly: Yeah I know, it’s wild. The development process is crazy!
Erin: That’s the magic of television, honestly.
Carly: Hollywood magic, you know?
Erin: That’s Hollywood, baby.
Carly: So as you — our loyal listeners might notice that there is a third voice here with us today. So let’s just cut to the chase and introduce our very special guest: the one and only Erin Sullivan!
Erin: Hello listeners! Readers, as Carly called them earlier.
Riese: Yeah, Carly called you guys readers earlier. Yeah, it’s hard switching mediums. I’m like multimedia — being multimedia as a person is really interesting.
Erin: Yes, so many things are plugged in right now.
Riese: So, Erin, tell us about yourself!
Erin: Well, Riese, as you know, I am your roommate.
Riese: Yeah, Erin lives here.
Erin: And I’m also a writer, and I’m just currently trying to make it through a pandemic, as we all are.
Riese: And also you made a podcast!
Erin: I did make a podcast! It’s called Who Killed Jenny Schecter. It is a true crime podcast.
Carly: This is one of the greatest podcasts I’ve ever heard.
Erin: We get to the bottom of it!
Riese: Yeah, you did?
Erin: We get to the bottom of who killed Jenny Schecter, although it is conflicting with the new L Word: Generation Q’s interpretation of who killed Jenny.
Erin: I’ll leave it at that — but listen, it’s 6 episodes, 10 minutes each.
Riese: Yeah, very short episodes.
Erin: What are you gonna do?
Riese: Yeah, what are you doing?
Erin: You can stand in line at the post office and listen to the whole thing.
Riese: That’s true, actually. You could listen to it all in line at the post office. It’s very funny.
Carly: It’s an extremely enjoyable listen.
Erin: Thank you so much. It’s an all queer cast and production crew, so take a listen.
Riese: Yeah, take a listen! If you like this, you’ll definitely like that!
Carly: Wasn’t it produced — or mixed, I guess — by our very own Lauren Klein?
Erin: Our very own!
Carly: Oh my god!
Riese: She even used some of the same sound things that she uses in ours.
Carly: Ugh, amazing.
Erin: Original score, too, by Lauren.
Riese: So if you’re an Autostraddle reader, you probably remember Erin from Straight People Watch, and her recaps of bad lesbian movies, and all the other really really funny things that she wrote for Autostraddle.com.
Carly: Yeah, she’s such a visionary that the New York Times has completely co-opted “Are Straight People Ok?”
Erin: Shout out to Haley!
Carly: Just really blown away by that.
Erin: Also, Ellen Degeneres, you know… Ellen took that and ran with it.
Carly: Yep, yep.
Erin: And you know…
Riese: And look at where that got her.
Erin: And her empire fell, so beware, New York Times.
Carly: You’re next!
Erin: You’re next!
Carly: Erin, what is your L Word origin story?
Erin: My origin story…
Riese: Like when did you start watching it?
Erin: Oh ok, so I was a freshman in college when The L Word came out. I was a freshman, I didn’t now I was gay yet, but it was part of my journey, I’ll say that. I was on the soccer team in college, where, if you can believe it, there were a lot of gay people there.
Carly: That is shocking.
Riese: I believe it, I believe it.
Erin: So they were all watching The L Word and just slowly introduced me to the show. And I was like, interesting, this is a very interesting show, I should probably watch all of it.
Erin: You know, with maybe one of you alone.
Erin: And that’s what happened!
Carly: Ooooo! Fun!
Erin: So, you know… you know how that goes… you know someone who is maybe questioning, and you’re like, “You should watch this show with me!” And that’s what they did and it worked, so, thank you.
Erin: In many ways, you know, I was a Jenny. I was sort of following her arc.
Riese: Mhm, so many of us were.
Erin: She was moving into this house, she didn’t know who these people were, but then she looked through the cracks of the fence and she was like, “oh no.”
Carly: And then, a whole new world.
Riese: She saw Shane.
Carly: Do you have any favorite characters? I guess you did mention Jenny, would you say she’s a favorite character?
Erin: Ok so, I would say Jenny Season 5 really — you know, she jumps the shark, and I love her for that. I love the writers for making Jenny sort of go into psycho mode, Seasons 5 through 6. She has the best lines.
Riese: She does.
Erin: You know, I think people don’t love Jenny, one through four.
Erin: And I can understand why. However, she’s redeemed. And then, you know, obviously Alice.
Erin: She’s the best.
Riese: Yeah, everyone loves Alice.
Erin: Except when she’s being the worst.
Riese: Yeah, like when she’s being transphobic.
Riese: Do you want to introduce the episode to us today, Carly?
Carly: Oh my god, I would be delighted to. Today’s episode is Season 5, Episode 10 entitled “Lifecycle,” which is definitely one of the more literal titles in this series.
Riese: Uh huh, because we do see a baby born, and we see the baby become a toddler, and then we see the baby become a teenager, and then become an adult, and then they die.
Erin: And then they come back, and then they’re old versus a baby.
Carly: And then they Benjamin button.
Riese: Yeah, Benjamin Button.
Riese: Yeah, so… and that’s a life cycle.
Carly: it’s a life cycle, so it’s like the riddle: what has 4 legs in the morning and walks on 2 legs in the afternoon and 3 in the evening.
Carly: It’s a person aging. Anyway, this was —
Riese: My favorite riddle.
Carly: Everyone’s favorite riddle. This was written and directed by Angela Robinson, who we love, and originally aired March 9, 2008.
Carly: That’s a long time ago.
Riese: What a time!
Carly: What a time!
Riese: Yeah, remember 2008?
Riese: We just — I think we had just had the primaries. Or we were having the primaries?
Carly: Yeah, March, I guess… I don’t honestly know months anymore. Shall we get into it?
Riese: Ummmm yeah! Let’s do it!
Erin: Let’s do it!
Riese: Let’s talk about it!
Erin: I’m into it!
Carly: Ok, great! Well, then let’s get into this week’s episode!
Riese: So we open on a splendorous field, which is a golf club in British Columbia.
Riese: But disguised to look like the beginning of the Subaru Pink Ride.
Carly: Dun dun dun!
Carly: Sponsored by Subaru!
Riese: Sponsored by Subaru!
Erin: Our ride-or-dies, you know, for decades. Shout out to Subaru. Also Subaru, can I have a car? My friend just got one of your cars and loves it, so I feel like I could also have one of your cars.
Carly: Like, you should give everyone one.
Riese: I would also like a car, because the bottom of my car is held on to the top of my car by 3 zip ties, so if Subaru has an extra car lying around, I’m happy to drive it around.
Erin: Oh yeah, we can share it!
Riese: Yeah, all share it! We’ll share it. We can share it.
Carly: I mean, I’ll say, my first car was a Subaru. It was a Subaru Forester, and my friends and I in college called it “the subaru lesbian.” Like, “Oh, who’s going to drive? Let’s take the lesbian.” You know?
Erin: No name, just “Lesbian?”
Carly: That was her name, yeah, her name was Lesbian.
Erin: That’s what people called me in college.
Carly: Yeah, honestly, I wasn’t sure if people were talking about me or the car, and I think it was kind of like the car became an extension of me and vice versa. Transformers, etc.
Riese: Yeah, totally.
Carly: I never took it into the woods, never took it to a bike thing like is happening here, so I really did not get the true Subaru experience.
Riese: No, you really didn’t. But we’re getting the true Subaru experience here, where everybody is wearing clothes, they have little teams for the rides, and they’re gonna — they’re riding for dead people and they’re also riding for survivors.
Carly: They are riding for the dead.
Riese: Uh huh, yeah, they’re riding for people who died and also for people who didn’t!
Carly: Yes, and we see a woman giving a rousing speech to the whole gang.
Carly: And everyone is excited.
Erin: With a pink polo on!
Riese: Yeah. And then there’s the theme song, and then we go right back where we started from, where we have a very rare thing in the program which is where we see Tasha’s friends.
Carly: Remember how Tasha is a person that has a life outside of this group of friends? You know, we wouldn’t know that because the show doesn’t really give us much of it.
Riese: No, they don’t.
Carly: Aside from army, but now that army is not taking up time I guess now we get friends.
Carly: So cool.
Erin: Alice at one point is like, “Are they flirting with you? Or were they flirting with you?” And she’s like, “Yeah, I’m hot.”
Riese: Yeah, who wouldn’t be?
Carly: Yeah, duh.
Erin: “I’m charming and hot, why wouldn’t they be?”
Carly: Like, “Have you looked at me? Duh.”
Erin: Right. “You knew what you were getting into when you started dating me, so yes, they were flirting with me.”
Riese: Yeah, who wouldn’t?
Carly: You were drawn in to this bone structure, so you —
Riese: We were all drawn into the bone structure, and her friends are riding for the Coco Club, which they say is a bar, and Alice is like, “I haven’t heard of this bar, it must not exist.” And that’s when Alice finds out that she’s a white woman.
Erin: Yeah, it hurts every time.
Erin: I do like the idea that there are so many lesbian clubs that Alice wouldn’t know one of them. You know, not just one that eventually closes.
Erin: It’s a beautiful thought.
Riese: She’s like, “I know all of them.” And I was like, I know all the lesbian clubs in LA too.
Erin: Name them!
Riese:[Silence] I did.
Erin: There we go!
Carly: End of list!
Riese: Jenny and Nikki…
Carly: Yeah. So then, Tina is so mad that Nikki is here! It’s so funny!
Riese: Yeah. She’s mad, she should be shooting Rolling Stone.
Carly: She is so pissed! “What are you doing here?!” “I’m raising awareness for breast cancer!” That was hilarious.
Riese: She’s wearing a Girltrash t-shirt.
Erin: Oh right, Angela Robinson, shout out.
Riese: Yeah, at the time Girltrash was just a little web series on OurChart.com.
Riese: But it eventually became a very contentious film that had a lot of lesbian drama around it.
Carly: The conversation turns into something with Adele, and then Jenny’s like, “Adele, are you gay?” And then Tina just screams —
Tina:Shut up! Ok? Whatever!
Riese: Yeah, mhmm.
Carly: Tina’s worried that she’s going to get fired, which I don’t actually think is actually — I don’t think that Nikki’s managers and agents can get Tina fired from the film.
Erin: Yeah, you’re the producer.
Carly: She’s the producer.
Erin: Calm down.
Carly: But she is concerned because she told them that she would make sure that Nikki was not publicly seen with Jenny.
Carly: And they’re like, “Come on, it’s not like we’re going to be having sex on the side of the road.” But like actually…
Erin: Or are we?
Carly: It’s kind of almost accurate.
Riese: It’s literally what they do.
Carly: It’s literally what happens.
Carly: And then she puts on a pair of Ray-Bans and she’s like, “No one is going to recognize me,” as a man walks up and is like, “Are you Nikki Stevens?” Comedically, it’s very good. Very well paced moment.
Erin: The opposite of “hair down glasses off.”
Carly: Exactly! Oh my god.
Erin: Glasses on…
Riese: Glasses on, hair up.
Carly: What an important reference, also. All teen comedies.
Erin: That Jenny was in! Mia Kirshner was in.
Riese: She was in another teen movie. She kissed a girl in it, right?
Erin: Life cycle…
Riese: Yeah, life cycle… it all comes around.
Carly: Oh my god.
Riese: Guess who’s here? Guess who showed up at the pink ride?
Carly: Guess who showed up?! It’s fucking Molly.
Riese: It’s Molly!
Carly: Shane tells her to go home, Molly shouts —
Riese: Because it’s a free country and she can support boobs if she wants to.
Erin: Right, but isn’t that the most straight woman thing that you could yell?
Carly: Four thousand percent.
Erin: “Go boobs!”
Carly: I mean, last episode she was talking about — was that last episode? Where she was —
Riese: Yeah, where she was amazed that Shane had boobs?
Erin: Oh, right.
Riese: Yeah, so she’s really on a journey with boobs today. Again, life cycle. In the beginning of the episode she was still at her mother’s bosom, and now she’s a grown woman riding her bicycle.
Carly: Exactly, it’s a really incredible story.
Riese: My favorite part of this is Kit’s line that Lauren will put in, which is when Kit’s like —
Kit:You flew all the way out here? Shane, Shane, she flew all the way up here to keep fighting with you, girl! That’s true love, that’s true love!
Riese: That was cute!
Carly: That is queer culture, that statement.
Riese: That is queer culture, yeah. It’s like showing up to make a grand gesture, but the grand gesture is just a continuation of a fight that you’ve been having earlier.
Riese: And Shane’s like, “I don’t want to be your loser fuck buddy.”
Carly: I think that’s fair! And now the ride begins! We are treated to our first of many several-minute-long montages of the cast riding bikes!
Erin: Oh, right?!
Erin: Not even 15 minutes in!
Carly: Honestly, recapping this episode in my notes was much easier than normal because there were so many chunks where nothing happened other than people riding bikes!
Riese: Which, honestly, I enjoyed.
Erin: Entire songs for montages, that’s a rare move!
Carly: I know!
Erin: You usually get maybe a 45-second — we got a full song!
Riese: A full playlist!
Carly: Yeah, incredible.
Riese: Every song we heard the whole thing. And there’s obviously some tension between Bette and Tina, and then there’s a cute little moment where Bette’s like—
Bette:Hey, I need to tell you something. Tina:What? Bette:You look really great in those pants.
Carly: Guess what? Those pants are disgusting!
Riese: You don’t like them?
Carly: No, I have a huge problem with them because —
Riese: Tell me.
Carly: They would be fine if they were normal leggings, even though they are cropped to the calf, but they flair out at the bottom!
Erin: Oh are they capris? I don’t think I registered Tina’s pants.
Riese: I didn’t either.
Carly: There is a slight flair at the bottom. There’s not an elastic band at the bottom that made them — personally illegal, these pants are illegal.
Erin: That hurts. so they’re yoga pants, but flared.
Erin: Oh no.
Carly: And they are a hate crime.
Erin: Tina would wear those pants.
Riese: She would wear those pants.
Erin: If someone was like, “What did she wear?” I would be like, “Leggings that were flared at the bottom.”
Riese: Yeah, I would also think this was 2008…
Carly: Oh, it’s very of-the-era, but I find that comment to be terrible. “You look great in those pants.” You could have said anything else.
Riese: Yeah, they should be re-dubbing it for a new audience. For the 2020 audience, they should re-dub it and say like, “You look really great in that jacket.”
Erin: I try not to really register Tina on-screen.
Carly: That’s fair.
Erin: I don’t know what she was wearing.
Riese: It’s easy to kind of forget her, you know?
Riese: Speaking of Tina, she doesn’t want Jodi to know that they’ve been hooking up, which I, you know, of course not.
Erin: That’s a good move.
Carly: Yeah, Bette’s like, “She’s going to find out.” And she’s like, “No no, you can break up with her, but you can’t tell her that we’ve been fucking behind her back.” And Bette definitely is like, deep in thought at this in a way that I was like, oh god, now what?
Erin: Like have you not given any thought to this?
Carly: Have you really not thought through what the next steps are here? It seems pretty obvious.
Riese: I don’t think she has. She’s too embroiled.
Erin: Which is so weird because they have zero chemistry.
Carly: I know. Jodi’s riding right behind them, this whole conversation is crazy!
Riese: Right, but she can’t hear it.
Erin: I know! How rude to speed up and be like, “Let’s talk.”
Riese: Yeah, because that was my first thought too. Like, she’s right behind you. Then I was like, oh you motherfuckers.
Carly: You fucking assholes.
Riese: You can’t do that. That’s another type of cheating that I also condemn.
Carly: That’s like when she said — what did she say? She said, “I love Tina” with her back to her.
Riese: “I’m in love with Tina” with her back turned.
Carly: Yeah, come on.
Riese: And then she’s like, “Oh, nothing. I’m stressed out about work.”
Carly: Bette, you are… Bette’s a jerk. Ugh, I’m mad.
Riese: I love nature.
Carly: Lots of nature. Tasha’s friends ride by and they’re like, “Hey, come on, Tasha!” And Tasha’s like, “I’m gonna catch up to them! Come on, Alice!” And Alice is like, “This is a ride, not a race. And then they ride off as the captions say, “thunder crackles.”
Erin: Thunder only happens when it’s —
Erin: There we go.
Riese: Uh huh.
Carly: Yep, that’s an important quote.
Riese: Here we are on the side of the road.
Carly: Love it. I love the orange slices, that’s real.
Riese: I know, it reminded me of soccer!
Erin: Soccer games!
Carly: Yeah, totally, absolutely.
Erin: Life cycle!
Riese: Yeah, which is relevant because Erin, as aforementioned, played soccer in college.
Riese: And then, boom. Comes all the way back around. Oranges are a circle…
Carly: Circle of life, life cycle.
Riese: Circle of life, life cycle.
Carly: The wheels on the bike are round. This is one of our most synergistic episodes of all time!
Riese: It is, absolutely. Actually, I’d like to pause and talk about myself for a second.
Carly: Please do!
Riese: One thing I was thinking about as I was watching these women on their bicycles is that my bicycle was, once again, stolen!
Riese: My bike was stolen in January. I immediately replaced it, because I could not grapple with the emotional weight of losing it.
Erin: I get that. I get that.
Carly: For sure.
Erin: If you buy a new one, it didn’t happen.
Riese: Exactly. There were only a few hours where I didn’t know, you know? I bought the exact same bike from the exact same lesbian, but I bought more intense locks, which was the advice of our landlord. Basically, our landlord is dead, so there’s someone else we correspond with now. He’s not the landlord but he’s somehow in this position. And somehow, someone removed the wheels, even though I had a lock around the wheels, but also it fucked up the bike so they basically stole the bike again. So now I’ve had a bike stolen twice. And now I’m like, but if I replace it, it will probably get stolen again.
Erin: Was this in the locked garage, as well?
Riese: Uh huh.
Erin: Oh, wow.
Riese: He said — I emailed just to let him know, and he said it’s really only happened to me.
Erin: Oh… feels targeted.
Carly: It does, yeah.
Riese: So anyway, I’m jealous of all these people who have bikes.
Erin: Another question: you said you bought it from the same lesbian, is this a woman who just has a bunch of bikes? Or you went to a store where a lesbian works?
Riese: Oh, I went to a store.
Carly: Oh, ok. That makes more sense, because I just thought you Craigslisted it from a lesbian who was getting rid of it, and then somehow she had the same bike again.
Carly: And then I was gonna —
Erin: She’s gonna keep stealing your bike!
Riese: That’s what I would do if I was a smart resourceful person. Anyway, the point is, I am jealous. I’m jealous of everyone on their bikes and that was a feeling that I was feeling throughout this entire thing.
Carly: I’m so glad you shared that.
Riese: Thank you, I’m really glad that I was able to have an opportunity to talk about it.
Erin: You can walk outside…
Riese: Ehhhh… yeah…
Erin: Ok, you just mentioned it was so beautiful, and I was just thinking, you could walk…
Riese: Yeah, it’s a little hot today.
Carly: You could.
Erin: No? Ok, you’re right.
Riese: I prefer to bike.
Carly: Walking is the worst. So, Shane and Nikki are getting water and oranges, and Nikki starts kind of flirting with Shane and starts asking her how she met Jenny and asked if they ever hooked up, and Shane’s like, “Fuck no.”
Riese: “No, we’re just friends, and just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”
Erin: Nikki is an agent of chaos.
Erin: Everywhere she goes, she just drops bombs and walks away. She doesn’t even stay to watch the explosion, she just drops it and walks.
Carly: It’s kind of interesting because Nikki is a very overt agent of chaos, and then you have someone like Adele — it’s almost like the mirror of her, because she’s the secret behind-the-scenes agent of chaos.
Erin: The shadow.
Carly: It’s totally her shadow, but she’s also almost like Jenny’s shadow… I don’t know.
Riese: Everyone’s focused on how Nikki is gonna fuck up the movie, but it’s really Adele, but Nikki has the attitude of someone who has always been really hot — traditionally hot, and therefore has not had to do anything correctly, or like, respectfully.
Erin: Or apologize.
Riese: Yeah, or apologize. She just does her own thing.
Carly: Yeah, consequences don’t really factor in for her.
Riese: Yeah, it’s not really a thing for her.
Riese: Um, so Jenny’s pussy is so numb. I love that part.
Erin: Again, psycho mode. She just comes up and says whatever she’s thinking about her pussy.
Carly: It’s true.
Erin: Good for her.
Riese: Good for her, and that’s a real thing.
Carly: She asks Shane to do something about her stalker, which is Molly.
Riese: Uh huh.
Carly: Which is, you know, great. And then Shane just peaces the fuck out of there, but she’s trying to escape Molly who, of course, is now following her. And they decide that Molly wants to race to the next stop, and if Molly gets there first and wins, then Shane has to talk to her. But if Shane gets there first, then Molly will go home. Whoa. Big stakes.
Riese: She’ll get an Alaska Air flight right out there.
Carly: Right out of there, yep.
Riese: Well, and guess who wins? It’s Molly. She does a last minute — she says I’m in love with you, and then Shane’s like, “What?” And then — you know, I’ve seen this a million times and I forgot that that happened, and I was like, she says she’s in love with her?
Riese: I was just like Shane, just totally fooled.
Erin: And how far into this are we? That they’ve known each other?
Carly: Like five minutes?
Riese: Um, two episodes?
Erin: Ok, two.
Riese: Three episodes?
Erin: And Molly was engaged when they met, is that correct?
Carly: To Richard!
Riese: To Richard.
Erin: Richard, you made me buy boat tickets.
Riese: Uh huh yeah exactly, cut from the same cloth. Life cycle.
Carly: Again, bringing it back.
Riese: Uh huh.
Carly: If I were the other riders on this ride and was anywhere near these two as they’re riding bikes and screaming at each other, I would be so angry.
Riese: I would be so entertained, I would be delighted.
Carly: That’s true. That would be deeply entertaining.
Erin: You’d be feeding it.
Riese: Because, especially by that point, your pussy’s numb, your legs hurt.
Carly: Your ass is asleep, yeah.
Riese: Your ass is asleep, your AirPods are dead.
Carly: What else are you gonna do?
Erin: You’re riding for cancer.
Riese: You’re riding for cancer, and then you want to hear — you want something to happen.
Erin: Yeah, you want a race.
Riese: You want a race. You want to see a race. And then we get this wonderful exchange of words between two women who have a complicated relationship.
Riese: In which Molly’s like —
Molly:Ok, I know I’m a disaster, but you have to listen to me, because that was the bet. Shane:Make it fast. Molly:I don’t know if I’m gay, I don’t know if I’m straight, but I know that I want to be with you. Shane:We had terrible sex. Molly:No, it was great for me! You don’t just get on a bike and know how to ride it. Same with riding a girl! So I freaked out, big deal. You’ve just been with so many girls, you don’t remember your first time. Well guess what? It was my first time and it was great! It was better than with Richard, and with guys, and with anybody. And I’m really into you and I swear next time I will so go down with you! Shane:Molly, Molly, you’re making a scene, please. Seriously, why do you want to be with me? Think about it, because you’ve been using me to get back at your mother the whole time. Molly:I haven’t! I haven’t been using you. I’ve never flown to the Pacific Northwest to chase a girl that I barely know. And I’m here and I’m really crazy about you! And I need you to give me another chance, even if I’m awful in bed. I know that I’m still Gay 101, but I’m a really fast learner and before you know it, I’m going to be an Advanced Placement Gay, and then Graduate-level Gay, and fuck law school! I’ll get my Doctorate in fucking gay!
Riese: I did appreciate Shane being very open about the fact that the sex they had was terrible.
Riese: You know?
Erin: It’s important that you start there.
Carly: You gotta call that out, yeah.
Riese: Yeah, you gotta call that out. And I think it’s important for visibility because, you know, a lot of young new queer people are like, “I don’t know how to have sex!” And look, neither did Molly, but Shane still was willing to give her another chance. But Molly said it was the best sex of her life, which again felt authentic to me.
Carly: She was like, “It was great for me!”
Erin: Right, it feels very Liz Lemon, like, “I’ll let you go down on me and then that’s it!”
Riese: Yeah. The thing about Shane is that her whole character is like, “I fuck lots of girls and I’m blah blah blah,” but she’s the one, in any given season, to most likely be in a relationship.
Erin: Makes you think.
Riese: Does make you think.
Carly: Wow, life cycle!
Erin: Life cycle.
Riese: Life cycle. So they make out and everyone cheers!
Erin: Oh right!
Carly: Yeah, and then Shane tells her she can’t wear pink anymore. What? Why?
Riese: She does?
Carly: She kisses her in order to shut her up, and then everyone cheers, and then she’s like, “Ok, but you can’t wear pink anymore,” or something like that.
Carly: And I was like, what? Is this some sort of like femme quasi-hetero…
Erin: It’s Shane’s version of a gender reveal.
Riese: Yeah, that was a gender reveal party right there.
Erin: Was it because it looked bad on her? I’m confused.
Riese: She was like, “That’s not your color.”
Erin: “It’s a terrible color for you, you have brown hair.”
Carly: Look, I have some questions, that’s all.
Riese: Everyone knows: brown hair, no pink.
Erin: Speaking of hair — if I could, if I may?
Carly: Please do.
Riese: Yeah, sure, please do.
Erin: You know, we’re on a gay bike ride.
Riese: Uh huh.
Erin: Sponsored by Subaru.
Erin: And there’s not a butch in sight.
Carly: Nary a butch.
Erin: Once again, Ilene has done it.
Riese: No, she has, she’s done it.
Riese: And earlier today, I had the pleasure of locating the casting call for this shoot.
Erin: Oh wow!
Carly: Oh, yeah!
Riese: They were calling — it was a call for bikers, for women who love to bike, in the Pitt Meadows area in British Columbia to do three days of biking, $15 an hour.
Erin: Oh no, that feels illegal.
Riese: Well, I mean right now, Shrill is casting extras in Portland for $13.25 an hour.
Carly: Ohhhh, I forgot that Shrill shoots in Portland, that’s right.
Riese: Yeah, so it was a casting — they didn’t say anything else, it was that you had to be a woman, and I think that was it. I don’t recall —
Erin: Not even a fan of the show, just…
Riese: I mean, I imagine it got, there were some fans who turned up for it because I found it on an L Word blog, yeah.
Erin: What is this L Word blog that just does a deep dive?
Riese: It was from the era, it was a blog entry from when they did the casting call, like in November 2007. The source, as Carly pointed out in all caps, was Source Chris.
Erin: Sounds right, I believe it.
Carly: Chris strikes again! Ear to the ground, that Chris!
Riese: Yeah, so… sad cabin.
Erin: Mmm, I have a lot to say about this.
Carly: Suddenly they’re in a cabin that has a quilt and pillows and candles, and I was like, one of the candles is way too close to the quilt.
Carly: And I thought it was a fire hazard, that’s my first comment about this cabin. Did they even show the exterior of this building?
Carly: Or did I look away when they did that? It looked like they were just riding —
Riese: No, they just walked into it, and in my memory for some reason, it was sort of a weird memory like you have in a dream, where in my memory I remember this being like Dana’s cabin at camp.
Erin: That’s what I thought! I thought I remembered it being in the show, being like, “Oh, they’re at horse camp.”
Riese: Yeah, but how could it possibly be… no, it’s not.
Carly: That’s where they spread her ashes, that’s where they went. But also, leading into this scene, I thought it was going to be Dana and the cabin and the waterfall for some reason.
Erin: Did they take it out and we just don’t know!?
Riese: We just have short circuited, well — and again, we are thinking about life cycles, so we were thinking the last cabin, this time cabin —
Carly: It’s a life cycle of Dana, is what it is.
Riese: Uh huh.
Carly: A character that has been forgotten by the show until this scene.
Riese: Until now. I unfortunately was compelled by a power beyond myself to almost cry.
Erin: Oh wow! It has been a hard pandemic for all of us, hasn’t it?
Carly: I felt nothing watching this, and this episode.
Erin: Again, felt nothing.
Carly: But that’s my own journey, you know what I mean?
Riese: Yeah, uh huh. Well…
Erin: Was it about missing friends?
Riese: I was — I think it was like an involuntary reaction to a sad scene in a show, although it was a lot of friends touching each other which is something…
Riese: Indoors, which is a nice experience that one doesn’t have these days.
Carly: We do not.
Riese: It was like all the actors were really sad that Erin Daniels was not in the show anymore. I feel like that’s what they were all feeling, they’re like, “Oh, we miss Erin,” and then the people who didn’t know Dana have to supportively put their hands on the shoulders of their Dana-knowing partners.
Carly: Which is called acting, you know it’s called acting.
Riese: That is acting.
Erin: That’s acting, for $15 an hour, that is acting.
Riese: That is acting. Someone left a pin, a Dana pin?
Carly: Alice takes her little Dana button off and clips it onto the quilt.
Riese: Uh huh.
Carly: And they talk about how they love her and will always remember her, even though no one has talked about her in many episodes.
Riese: That was very moving, for me only.
Carly: For only Riese.
Riese: I was moved. And then — does anyone else have anything else to say about the cabin?
Erin: Just another long shot, you know, without speaking. And that’s ok with me.
Carly: It was a lot less work on our end this week.
Riese: It did feel weird to be serious for a second.
Riese: The episode was sort of directed in a different way than they normally do, and sort of arranged in a different way than they normally do. We’re used to these much more rapid-fire dialogue, and they slowed down and I actually think it really worked.
Carly: I think so too, yes.
Erin: I agree! It’s an easy watch.
Riese: Yeah, it was an easy watch.
Carly: It felt thematically appropriate, like those stylistic choices made by Angela Robinson felt appropriate to the somber nature.
Riese: Yeah, and all the complicated shit that’s going on with Bette and Tina.
Riese: Yeah, and this is one of my favorite episodes, actually.
Erin: It’s good! Thank you for having me for this!
Riese: Yeah, you could have gotten — what was the worst one that we had someone do?
Carly: Oh, when Dana died?
Riese: The entirety of Season 3… no, we did that one alone, as a mercy.
Carly: Right, that’s true, ok.
Riese: Everyone’s biking, and Bette pauses on the side of the road, and Jodi pauses and she says that she wishes Angie was there, and Bette you can tell is thinking, “Oh, you’re never going to see her again.”
Erin: Oh noooo. Does Bette know that she can just break up with people?
Carly: I don’t think she does know that.
Riese: No, as someone who is also bad at that…
Erin: You’d rather just have four months of stress.
Riese: Yeah, I’d rather just have them slowly turn against me.
Erin: Ok. It would be hard for Bette on this occasion, seen as they’re sort of on a vacation, would you call it? But Jodi also has friends there that if you’re just like — I know this is weird — but maybe stay with your friend tonight.
Riese: Yeah, or they — I mean, do it before!
Carly: I would also — yeah, make the argument that Bette could have broken up with her at any point in many of the episodes leading up to this one.
Erin: Because Bette also seems to hate her.
Carly: Yeah, she for some reason specifically said, “I want to wait until after the pink ride — the Subaru Pink Ride brought to you by Subaru — to break up with Jodi, and so that’s an interesting choice. I guess it’s so that it won’t be weird, but joke’s on them.
Riese: It’s already weird, yeah. That’s what always happens. If you know you want to break up with someone and you’ve decided when you’re going to do it, that means you should do it right now, not that other time. You can’t schedule a break up because then there’s this in-between time where you or the other person starts to feel insane.
Carly: Yeah, like you think that no one’s gonna know, but —
Riese: Yeah, but everyone knows.
Carly: If you’ve made up your mind to break up with someone, it’s very obvious that you hate them because you’re Bette and you can’t hide it and also most people I think would fall into the same problem.
Erin: Hey, at least Bette doesn’t go the straight man route and just murder the entire family.
Erin: She could do that!
Carly: That’s true, yeah.
Erin: She just chooses to make all her friends really uncomfortable, be really mean to that person, and then have that person break up with you, and then she cries about it, you know?
Erin: As if that’s a shock to her.
Carly: She wanted to ruin a campfire and s’mores, and that’s fucked up.
Riese: Yeah, but also it was really great drama if we’re talking about storytelling. Also, again, on a personal note, the top of my chapstick has come off and now it’s just in my hand like a little button.
Erin: I believe that’s a camp item, right?
Riese: It’s a camp item, yeah. An A-Camp item. Speaking of camping!
Carly: We’re treated to another biking montage!
Riese: Another biking montage! This is a really fun little biking montage!
Carly: This is fun!
Erin: They’re throwing water at each other!
Riese: Alice pees on the side of the road!
Carly: Alice pees on the grass.
Riese: Adele smiles, which is wild. Nikki has a camera. Shane and Molly are hugging. Tina’s on the phone.
Carly: Tom and Max are also in this episode.
Erin: Oh, right, by the way.
Riese: Yeah, they don’t have lines, but they’re there.
Riese: It’s better that way, for Max.
Carly: I thought this was a fun montage. It was cute. It felt very much like a group of friends hanging out. The one thing that I will say about this episode is that it’s nice to have the entire cast in one place dealing with kind of one or two main central issues, which is we’re on bikes, and Bette’s gonna break up with Jodi. It’s kind of what everyone’s dealing with, and then obviously Jenny has her own thing going on, but that’s kind of it.
Riese: Yeah, and Shane has her new amore.
Erin: They’re still chasing that weed brownie high, you know?
Carly: I know.
Erin: They’re trying to get back there.
Riese: Yeah, I love it.
Riese: Anyway, now speaking of camping…
Carly: Time to put up some tents!
Riese: They’re gonna put up some tents! Alice seems vaguely jealous that Tasha was with her friends.
Riese: Which is concerning.
Riese: Because you should be happy that Tasha ran into her friends and got to see people she hasn’t seen in so long.
Carly: Yeah, all you do is hang out with your friends. Like, what if Tasha wants to see her friends? Do you ever go hang out with other people? Just hang out at The Planet, is that all we do?
Riese: Yeah, that’s all we do.
Erin: This is one of the times where Alice is the worst, and I don’t like her, so from earlier, you know, if we could subtract moments like this.
Riese: I like the pigtails!
Carly: For sure!
Riese: Little tiny baby pigtails. She was making that work and that’s not easy.
Carly: Yeah, that’s true, it’s not easy.
Riese: So, Bette and Jodi are fighting about the tent.
Carly: Of course they are.
Riese: Because Bette is stubborn about it and Jodi is just like, “Ughhhh.” And Adele has got this gourmet fancy tent from North Face.
Erin: Sponsored by North Face.
Riese: Sponsored by North Face on the Subaru Pink Ride sponsored by Subaru.
Carly: She fully set up a branded deal.
Riese: Uh huh.
Carly: This is like Adele has an Instagram marketing strategy before there was even Instagram.
Erin: Honestly, Adele sounds like an incredible manager.
Erin: Well, assistant, but she’s taking on a manager role and she should just do this.
Carly: Yeah, above and beyond.
Erin: Stop trying to sabotage someone’s career and just become a manager that you’re really good at.
Carly: This reminded me so much of when Tom Haverford tried to go camping on Parks and Rec and had that gigantic tent with a generator. I was like, this is our version of that.
Riese: Alice is like, “I love to find a hotel,” which I feel that. And Shane has a really shitty tent that she got on sale at Costco, and Molly is like, “How am I gonna have advanced placement lesbian sex in that tent?” And as someone who has tried to have sex in a very small tent, you aren’t gonna… you aren’t.
Riese: And Shane is like, “Mmm.” And it’s cute and funny and they go sabotage Jenny’s tent.
Carly: They untie one of the ropes and the whole thing collapses and Jenny screams.
Jenny:Noooo! We’re being killed!
Carly: So good!
Erin: I have that in my notes, that line.
Carly: Quick pause, to ask: What is everyone’s personal feeling on camping? My personal feeling is that it’s terrible and I hate it and I never want to do it.
Carly: Do we have any pro-camping voices on this episode today?
Erin: I’m a pro-camper.
Riese: You are?
Erin: I love it.
Carly: Ok, great.
Erin: I love the outdoors. I recently — in a safe way, everybody — went to a farm, basically, that was an airbnb. And I was reminded how much I love the outdoors and how nice it is to breathe fresh air that’s not clouded with smoke from the raging fires that’s around all of us.
Riese: Uh huh.
Erin: But I love camping.
Riese: Did you sleep in a tent?
Erin: No, if I have the right equipment, I love it.
Erin: Yes, it does get dewy, and maybe you’re a little wet, but if you have the right equipment —
Carly: Absolutely not.
Riese: I love to shower. I love… I like to start my day with a little exercise and a shower.
Erin: She does.
Riese: I do, it’s true.
Erin: I will testify to that.
Carly: I love a little coffee, I love a shower, and I love wifi and privacy. And I also don’t like — I have this weird thing where I don’t like stepping barefoot on grass, and I know that that’s my own shit, so I feel like just the idea of camping in a tent just makes me deeply uncomfortable.
Erin: What about a fire?
Riese: I love a nice campfire, and then afterwards I can go to not a tent.
Carly: Campfire is tough for me because then my clothes all reek of campfire and it doesn’t come out until you wash them.
Riese: I love that smell!
Carly: And so it’s just, it’s a lot. It’s a lot for me. I understand that I’m a little high maintenance when it comes to these things. I own that.
Riese: I am not a person who’s gonna initiate a camping trip, but if someone else initiates it, I’ll attend. But I really, again, would like to have that shower, I would like that morning shower. I’m not gonna feel right without it. And a lot of campsites have showers.
Erin: That’s true.
Riese: So there is that, but…
Carly: Yeah, still not doing it.
Riese: But also, I don’t sleep well, so it’s hard for me to do multiple nights of camping.
Erin: I mean, yeah. I think the max is two for me.
Carly: If someone even invites me on a camping trip where we’re doing hiking and sleeping in tents, I would be offended that they clearly don’t know me.
Erin: Oh no! Just let me erase something from my phone real quick.
Carly: Yeah, sorry…
Erin: Just unsend something…
Carly: Yeah, unsend that invite.
Riese: I also find camping is like this rustic — like, you’re gonna be in the outdoors, but somehow it ends up being so expensive. You end up buying 10,000 things on your way there.
Riese: And you get there, and it feels like you buy all this stuff to be there, and it feels like I can’t stop analyzing it from a distance where I’m like, it’s so weird how we’re buying all these goods to pretend like we don’t have goods.
Erin: That we’re living off the land.
Riese: Yeah, that we’re living off the land, but we need all this stuff.
Carly: But we went to REI and spent thousands of dollars before we can leave.
Erin: Yeah, so a bear doesn’t attack all of us.
Carly: Exactly. Alright, back to the episode.
Riese: Back to the episode!
Carly: So Jodi is helping Tina with her tent.
Carly: Because Bette has scared her away and it’s nice for a minute, but Tina is just so deeply uncomfortable. Tina also calls Bette kind of OCD, which is one of my pet peeves.
Carly: As a person of OCD experience, when people just toss around the term OCD to describe people who don’t actually have OCD, it’s very upsetting and I hate it.
Riese: Yeah, it didn’t make sense because wasn’t she like, “Oh, is Bette moody about” — there’s something about putting together the tent?
Riese: And then she was like, “Bette’s really OCD.” I was like, how is any of the behavior you just described —
Carly: Yeah, she’s just being mean.
Riese: There’s the issue of Bette not having OCD, but there’s also like, how is what you just described anyone’s experience of OCD?
Erin: What’s the a-to-b here?
Erin: She’s trying to put up the tent correctly, because otherwise you can’t be in the tent that’s not.
Riese: That’s not OCD.
Carly: No, she’s just being mean to Jodi because she wants to break up with her and she’s always bossy when it comes to things like this. This has nothing to do with an anxiety disorder or anything of that nature.
Erin: And also, Jodi’s just trying to help her make the tent, and she’s so mean to her and made me so uncomfortable.
Carly: So mean, it was awful.
Riese: Well, she’s doing that thing where you’re about to break up with someone so you try to make your relationship worse.
Carly: And you push them away so that maybe if you do it enough times, and for long enough, they will actually suggest breaking up and you can just sort of shrug.
Carly: Great plan, Bette, this is going to take forever.
Riese: Yeah, it’s not going well. And yeah, Tina obviously feels really guilty.
Riese: That even talking to Jodi about it feels really awkward, which is fair. Also, Tina is the only one on the trip — well, besides Adele, I guess — who is single. You know — well Shane was supposed to be, but Molly is ambitious. So this is a lot. I mean I, as everyone knows, not a Tina fan. But in Season 5, I did find Tina to be a tolerable and realistic person, and I do feel in this episode that she was having a tough time and that was a fair feeling for her to have.
Carly: Yeah, Jodi hugs her at the end and she just looks like she wants to die. Also, Jodi asks how Angie is, and my question is where the fuck is Angie?
Erin: Where’s Angie?
Carly: Who’s watching her? Kit is on this trip.
Erin: Angie is vaping.
Carly: Who’s watching Angelica? We have no idea what the childcare situation is going on with this child, I just —
Riese: How dare they not inform us constantly of who Angie is being babysat by?
Erin: Yeah, put her in a Baby Bjorn.
Carly: Yeah, bring her on the trip and she could look at the lake with Jodi.
Riese: Get a basket! Put a basket on your bike and put the baby in the basket! Good enough for Moses.
Erin: Just be like Mad Men and just forget they have children, you know?
Carly: Might as well.
Erin: We don’t need to see them.
Riese: Put her in a backpack, she’s small.
Riese: Put her in a backpack, zip her up, get on the road.
Carly: She’s fine!
Riese: Hit the road, Jack!
Erin: We know they exist as a concept, we don’t need to see them — just say you have her in a backpack.
Riese: Yeah, and she can peek out, you know? I’ve put Carol in a sack. I’ve put Carol in a tote bag.
Carly: I think that’s a little different, but yeah…
Riese: So now it’s nighttime.
Carly: It’s nighttime.
Riese: There’s a campfire, Adele is on her BlackBerry and Alice is like, “Are you gay?”
Erin: Second time she’s asked that question.
Riese: Second time!
Carly: She says, “What’s your deal?”
Riese: Good for Alice, asking the important questions. Everyone’s wondering, everyone wants to know. And adele is like, “Ehh, it depends.”
Carly: Depends on who’s asking?
Riese: On who’s asking, which… what?
Erin: I’m gonna say that whenever someone asks me a question. “It depends on who’s asking.” “I just asked it.”
Erin: Well, that’s debatable, and we’ll see about it.
Riese: That’s debatable, yeah.
Carly: Adele does say that she’s single and Alice is like, “Oh great, that’s what these rides are for, curing cancer and one night stands.”
Riese: Yeah, which I don’t think is true.
Carly: I don’t think so, but good for Alice, I guess?
Riese: No one wants a one night stand in a tent.
Carly: Yeah, that sounds terrible. Adele wants to focus on work, Alice thinks she’s boring, and Adele says that she does have her eye on someone, but it’s a secret.
Riese: I don’t even… who??
Erin: She means that literally. She’s literally recording Jenny right now. “I have eyes on her, so don’t worry about it.”
Carly: “I’ve got eyes on Schecter.”
Riese: But also, she’s very busy, she’s like, “I need to focus on work,” which obviously — again, no one here has seen All About Eve, no one knows what’s happening.
Carly: It’s shocking that none of them know anything about that film, it’s wild.
Riese: Shocking. And so everyone’s sitting at the campfire and Tina and Bette are making meaningful eye contact, and Kit is like, “Bette! Come on!”
Erin: The conduit to everyone’s narratives, it’s Kit. I don’t have a story, I just help yours along.
Riese: Mhmm, that’s true.
Carly: She says, “I sure hope you know what you’re doing,” and Bette says, “I have it completely under control,” which is…
Riese: A lie.
Carly: A lie.
Riese: But anyway, speaking of showers like I was earlier, we go to the shower line, where Nikki and Shane are in line for the shower.
Riese: And Nikki is definitely flirting with Shane at this point, and is like, “Are you hard to get or hard to keep?” And I think the answer is both!
Carly: Uh huh! I would agreeee!
Riese: Then they go into the shower house and there’s a woman, an extra, who has a huge…
Carly: A massive lower back tattoo.
Erin: Shirt off!
Carly: A gigantic…
Erin: She’s coming in real hot.
Riese: And I’m like, is that the extra’s actual tattoo, or did they think this woman needs a little bit of bad gay taste on her lower back?
Carly: Man, it could go either way, honestly.
Riese: I was just distracted by it.
Erin: I mean, the casting call is too vague!
Carly: Yeah, unless there was a casting call for someone with a hideous gigantic lower back tattoo.
Riese: Yeah, $16 an hour if you have a back tattoo.
Carly: And you have to be comfortable being naked on camera.
Riese: Yeah fully naked, but back to the camera, so it’s not full frontal, it’s full back-al.
Carly: Yeah, she’s overtly checking Shane out as they take off their clothes for the shower. I’m like, Nikki, what are you doing?
Erin: She says a very haunting line where Shane’s like, “I love Jenny.” And she’s like, “Me too, I totally love Jenny.” Which is—
Riese: Dun dun dunnnn…
Erin: Hearing someone like Nikki say that, you get… I’m scared.
Carly: I’m scared, yeah. It shook some fear into my heart, she was saying it in a way that you are like, “Yeah, totally, I totally love that person,” not the way you would talk about —
Erin: Yeah like, “I totally love your skirt…”
Carly: Yeah, not the way you talk about someone you’re actually in love with.
Carly: So that was a little weird. Nikki, what are you doing?
Riese: What are you doing, Nikki?
Erin: It’s weighted.
Riese: And then we go to…. ohhh… speaking of blankets…
Erin: Speaking of!
Riese: It’s Alice and Tasha’s tent! And Alice… Tasha’s just lying there thinking about times gone by, how crazy it is to see old friends, how she used to be in army and now is not in army, and now what’s next for Tasha.
Carly: What is next for Tasha?
Riese: Yeah, and we’re right now in a real sweet spot with Tasha, between when she was in the military and when she decides to become a cop, and I wish we could just stay here.
Carly: Oh, me too.
Riese: Relish this sweet moment in time when she’s just wondering what’s next for Tasha.
Carly: And then really casually she just asks what she wants her future to look like? Do you want kids? What do you want to do with your career? Really super chill stuff. I will say that the two of them in this scene together is just so lovely and charming and like —
Riese: Yeah, they’re cute.
Carly: It feels so real, the way that they’re just — it almost feels like it wasn’t scripted, even though of course it was scripted, but it just feels so natural and I love that. That was nice.
Riese: And when Alice says what she wants her future to be, what we all know now is that she gets it!
Carly: She wants kids and to be on TV. She gets it!
Riese: Yeah, she got it!
Erin: She wants a talk show where the logo is an upside down mouth.
Carly: Yep, the “Aloce” show.
Riese: The “Aloce” show.
Erin: The “Aloce.”
Riese: And she got that!
Erin: Never stop giving up your dreams!
Carly: Believe in yourself, says Alice Pieszeki. And then Tasha says, “I just want to be with you,” and suggests that they move in together, and it’s cute.
Carly: It was cute!
Riese: I was surprised by that!
Carly: It seems, I’m surprised that —
Riese: I had forgotten that that had happened!
Carly: I had also forgot — I was surprised that if this couple were to move in together, it seems less likely that Tasha would have been the one to suggest it?
Carly: And it also seems like maybe it’s a little soon? They just kind of recently got back together and Tasha is in the middle of this huge change of her life.
Riese: Life transition, right.
Erin: Right, it feels like the move of someone who is very uncertain with their life and they’re like, “Let’s throw something crazy in here: Let’s get bangs.”
Riese: Yeah, she could have just suggested that Alice get bangs.
Carly: Yeah, instead she’s like, “Let’s get a house!”
Riese: An apartment!
Riese: Then we are back at the campfire. Tina is wearing a big coat.
Carly: Big coat!
Riese: Big coat!
Erin: Again, didn’t notice. What does the coat look like?
Riese: It’s kind of like she…
Carly: It’s big.
Riese: It’s just big, yeah.
Erin: It’s big, ok.
Riese: There’s like a logo on it, it’s like a bomber.
Carly: It has a little bit of a bomber vibe, but like is not.
Riese: A little bit of a bomber vibe.
Carly: But it’s not like a shiny coat, it’s more of a matte finish coat. I liked it, I thought it was nice.
Erin: You never really know her style.
Riese: You never do. Then Shane wants to go somewhere with Molly. That’s exciting for them! And then meanwhile, at the campfire, everyone’s making s’mores as if making s’mores is fun, which it isn’t.
Erin: I made s’mores last week and it’s amazing!
Erin: Where does the hatred come from?
Riese: It’s so laborious!
Carly: It’s laborious, it’s messy.
Erin: To eat? To make?
Carly: All of the above!
Riese: To make — I’m glad I have an ally in this — to make, and then to eat. I mean, I have a small mouth and it’s hard to get all of that —
Erin: I’ll give you that, that is a very laborious bite.
Carly: Well, and I like to eat them. If someone has made a s’more, I will eat the s’more, because I have a gigantic mouth. I just don’t want to take the time to actually make the s’more.
Erin: Ok, so putting a stick in the fire for 15 seconds is a lot for both of you.
Riese: Uh huh. Well, then you also have to get the graham cracker, and then get it —
Carly: Correct, you get the sandwich, and then you pull the stick out, and it’s a mess!
Erin: What you’re describing is putting a marshmallow on a graham cracker, so, it’s not a process, it’s just putting…
Carly: Erin, you’re making it — this is kind of reductive, the way you’re talking about this.
Riese: And then the chocolate is a little hot, it’s a different texture, you got three different textures, and you’re trying to —
Carly: So many different textures!
Riese: You’re trying to combine them all, and the stick, and the marshmallow is all sticky, and then your hands are sticky.
Erin: Wow, they have really done you dirty. I would love to make you two s’mores.
Carly: Thank you!
Riese: Let’s go glamping!
Carly: I would love for you to make s’mores for us!
Riese: I would love for you to make a s’more!
Carly: How about you just make them and then just drop them off at my house on your way to camping?
Erin: Ok, I’ll do that.
Carly: And I’ll just stay home.
Riese: And I’ll stay at my house, which is our house.
Carly: Robin loves s’mores. Robin loves making s’mores and always makes me s’mores when there’s s’mores to be made, and that is wonderful because I love delicious treats. So, Shane and Molly duck out of the campfire with the s’mores, and Molly is like, “I bribed a truck driver so we could fuck in this truck because your tent is too small.” Am I reading this correctly?
Erin: That’s correct. My note on this is, “Is this an abandoned airplane?”
Erin: Because it looks like they’ve found…
Riese: The Lost plane.
Erin: The wreckage of a plane.
Riese: The smoke monster!
Erin: They were like, “Let’s have sex in here!”
Carly: I mean, good luck!
Riese: Yeah I thought, what’s the surface they’re on? And then I thought, Shane’s shirt — she’s wearing this red waffle sort of shirt, I liked it.
Carly: I liked it too!
Riese: I wouldn’t mind owning a shirt like that for the winter.
Carly: Yeah, I know, it looked cozy!
Riese: So this is a little sexual scene between Molly and Shane.
Carly: Molly asks Shane for —
Molly:Any hot tips?
Carly: Before she goes down on her.
Erin: Which… is always a good start to someone having sex with you.
Carly: Shane has a lot of confidence in this. Despite not knowing what she’s doing, Molly is on top.
Riese: But she’s gung ho, she’s like, “I’m doing this! I’m a top! I’m taking your pants off!” Even though she still has her jacket on. And then she’s gonna do it, she’s gonna eat vaginas.
Erin: I have a question!
Erin: I didn’t think that Shane let people do stuff to her, am I correct in that?
Riese: Shane is actually a secret power bottom.
Erin: I guess I just never saw Shane in that position.
Erin: And it was unsettling to me a little bit, because she looked very uncomfortable.
Riese: Well, she’s really vulnerable with Molly.
Erin: That she was. She’s uncomfortable and she doesn’t like it.
Carly: Interesting, interesting.
Riese: She tells Molly to —
Shane:Breathe through your mouth.
Carly: That’s the advice!
Riese: And then directs her.
Carly: Then we go to Jenny and Nikki’s condo tent.
Riese: Yeah, and feel how you feel about Jenny or Nikki, this is a classic L Word sex scene.
Erin: I love it.
Riese: It’s so fun, it’s so cute, the music is great.
Carly: So fun! They got “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure. They had Cure money!
Erin: I know!
Carly: And a lot of the song! Like, it’s most or all of the song, it’s incredible!
Riese: So Jenny got Nikki a strap-on and Nikki is, first of all, not appreciative at all about this gift.
Carly: She opens it and is like, “What is this? I’m not a dude.” And I was just like…
Riese: And she was like, “Yeah, exactly.”
Riese: But then they’re cute and flirty, and it’s purple, the purple dildo.
Carly: They’re filming each other. That won’t lead to something terrible.
Erin: Yeah, bantering with the camera.
Carly: It’s very cute.
Erin: They’re pretending the lube is a gun.
Riese: Yeah, that was cute!
Carly: When Nikki has the strap-on on, she says, “I feel like I have a tail,” which I laughed and then I was like, oh this poor girl doesn’t know what a tail is. Poor thing, she doesn’t know any animals ever.
Riese: She could have said, “I feel like I have a penis.”
Carly: Yeah, that would have been more apt.
Erin: Or a gun.
Riese: A gun in the pants.
Erin: What do you give Nikki’s strap game? What’s a number? Or a letter?
Riese: Honestly, she gets right in there and seems to be competently fucking Jenny.
Erin: Yeah, agree.
Riese: She’s a natural, and also they have great sexual chemistry.
Carly: They do, they are very hot together. So, good for them!
Riese: And this is also when I feel like Jenny is the most playful and human. You know what I mean?
Riese: And we also see that they do a lot of little dirty talk, which I love. Again, it all felt so real and good and funny and everyone had a nice time.
Carly: I know! So much of this episode, the writing and the performances feel super real, which I greatly appreciated.
Carly: Then we smash cut to Adele sitting outside of their tent, smoking a cigarette and watching their silhouettes fuck!
Riese: Like a creep, yeah.
Carly: What an incredible moment, truly. I know that the sex scene is iconic, but I honestly would also say that this Adele moment is also iconic, because this is serial killer behavior.
Erin: It is, yeah.
Riese: That’s someone who is plotting.
Carly: A lot of plotting.
Riese: So then, Molly and Shane, they’ve wrapped up.
Carly: Yeah, Shane gives Molly an A+.
Riese: Awww, that’s sweet.
Carly: I feel like that has to be a lie, but…
Erin: Yeah, it doesn’t feel genuine.
Carly: That felt like such a lie.
Riese: But I think for her — you know, if it’s English 125, then she’s giving her an A+. It’s not AP English.
Erin: Oh, ok.
Riese: It’s freshman English.
Carly: Yeah, alright, I mean, sure.
Riese: Shorter paper, justice for Molly.
Erin: Are you a Molly fan?
Riese: Umm, no…
Carly: What is their shipper name? Is it Sholly?
Riese: Sholly. It’s Sholly.
Carly: I would like to make an argument for Mane.
Carly: Because it’s funny.
Riese: I’m really just dedicated to my number one, which is Shenny.
Carly: Of course, of course.
Erin: Oh, right.
Erin: Molly just seems — at this point, I don’t know how old Shane is, but I’m imagining me in that position, where —
Riese: She would have been… 28.
Riese: Because she turns 40 in Gen Q, which is 10 years after, so she would have been 28?
Erin: What?! Ok, still, at 28, I would be like, I can’t, this is so tiring.
Carly: I know, this shit is exhausting. I would be like, no, I don’t have time for this, or the energy for this.
Erin: Right, you can hang out with us, it seems like you need a community, but I’m tapped.
Carly: Yeah, my schedule’s full, I don’t have time to teach someone how to be gay right now, sorry.
Riese: You could just send her a link. There’s a whole website for that now, it’s called autostraddle.com.
Erin: She seems very stressed about it. Molly doesn’t seem like she’s in it for the ride, she seems very stressed, like she’s looking for a grade, and I don’t think I could give that to her.
Carly: Yeah, agreed.
Riese: I do think on some level I probably relate to that, because I remember I had gotten very good at having sex with men, and then I started having sex with women and I was like, I really want to be good at this too.
Carly: You want to be the best.
Riese: I want to be the best, I don’t want to do something if I’m just going to be in the middle, you know?
Erin: Ok, you don’t want to enjoy it, you want to succeed at it.
Carly: You will defeat it, you want to win the championship.
Riese: I want to deliver! I want to deliver!
Carly: You want to be the best!
Riese: Yeah, but that’s about the beginning and ending of any relationship feelings I have towards this match-up. But I do think that they have funny banter.
Carly: Mhmm, yeah, they do.
Riese: And for a TV show relationship, it’s kind of cute. And Molly says she’s going to be a public defender, which I believe fully that that is what she thinks she’s going to do at this point, but when she graduates law school she’s going to change her mind and go into employment law.
Riese: Or something of that nature.
Riese: Yeah, divorce, like her parents.
Erin: Life cycle!
Carly: We life cycle back to the tent where Nikki and Jenny are still fucking, and we get like 17 close-ups of the camcorder.
Riese: Yeah, just in case you guys didn’t know, if you’ve been distracted by this scene —
Carly: I will only be referring to this device as a camcorder, I will not call it a camera, that is a camcorder. It’s just a specific camera and term.
Erin: Let’s bring those back! Those things were fun to hold!
Riese: I have one in my closet!
Carly: The zoom-ins. The zooms-in? The zoom-ins?
Erin: The zooms-in!
Riese: Zoom zoom!
Carly: The zoom zoom zooms on the camcorder are very funny, this camcorder is really playing a huge role in this episode. “Submitted for the approval of the midnight society…”
Erin: Ah! I love it!
Carly: Alice Pieszecki…
Erin: What if it just changed?
Carly: It almost did, it totally felt like it was a brief homage to Are You Afraid of the Dark? Alice tells a story that is terrible. Like, this was not a ghost story, this was not a campfire story.
Riese: Yeah, this was really bad.
Erin: Have you never heard that story?
Carly: No, it’s stupid.
Erin: Oh, neither of you had heard that story?
Riese: I mean, when she started, I knew how it was going to end, because I probably watched this episode a few times, but I was also like, why?
Erin: I mean, it’s a choice to tell this story in a circle of lesbians, a tortured dog story.
Carly: Yeah, no.
Erin: It’s a choice, and good for Alice.
Carly: No thank you.
Riese: Yeah, good for Alice.
Carly: I hated it.
Riese: If I was going to tell a ghost story, I would tell a story about —
Carly: An actual ghost? And not whatever this is?
Riese: Yeah, an actual ghost that tried to kill Erin when we were in Michigan. Remember?
Erin: Oh my god… yeah, I do.
Riese: You woke up to gunshots.
Carly: But they were ghost gun shots?
Erin: Well, Carly, here’s the thing. It was 3:30 in the morning.
Erin: And I heard a gunshot and I was like, well, we’re in the middle of nowhere, it’s not good.
Erin: At the very least it’s not good. My dog starts to run around the house, so I know he heard it because he doesn’t like loud noises. He’s freaking out. He’s running up to Riese’s room, back down the stairs. He’s frantic.
Erin: I think, ok, so someone’s gonna, you know, it’s a home invasion. So I just sit on the couch, I don’t move, I don’t call anyone, I just accept my death immediately.
Carly: You are resigned to your fate.
Erin: But then, from the other side of the house, gun shot. So I’m like, ok, so someone else is here, and they’re shooting at each other.
Carly: Oh my god…
Erin: Boom boom boom, gun shots for 30 minutes straight. I text Riese and say, “Hey, just wondering if there was ever gun fire?”
Riese: Yeah, because I was out of town.
Erin: Yeah, she was out of town, so I was like, “Is there gunfire late at night? Do people hunt? Is that a thing that happens?” And she said no, so I thought, ok well…
Carly: This is it!
Erin: Again, just sat there, yeah.
Riese: Yeah, but also the house really was haunted.
Erin: And once it stopped, I thought, well, I’ll just try to go to sleep and hopefully nothing bad happens. In the morning I went outside to check just, you know, what happened.
Riese: To see if there were any dead bodies.
Erin: Dead bodies, damage to the house, gun shells.
Riese: Gun residue.
Erin: Anything, and there was nothing.
Riese: Nothing, nothing. Ghosts.
Carly: Holy shit. I believe that this is absolutely a ghost encounter. I have also had a ghost encounter, so I fully believe this story.
Riese: There was also a ghost that left a handprint on Erin’s blanket.
Erin: Yes, I think she was not a — she wasn’t a bad presence, I don’t think. But she did like to fuck with me.
Carly: That’s terrifying.
Erin: But I just learned that there are auditory hauntings, so I believe that it was her.
Riese: And that house was haunted, like there were lots of ghost things that happened in the house.
Carly: That’s wild.
Riese: It was the haunting of Ypsilanti manor.
Erin: You had a person appear in the corner of your room.
Riese: Yeah, with a bag over their head.
Erin: So maybe they were a bad presence…
Carly: Yeah, none of that sounds like a good presence, except for the fact that both of you are alive, so.
Riese: But I wasn’t scared, I didn’t feel scared of them.
Carly: Ok, ok.
Riese: You know? Or the ghosts…
Erin: You know who could help us with this, is Tyler Henry, from Hollywood Medium.
Riese: Oh yeah, Erin’s favorite show.
Erin: I can’t stop watching that show!
Carly: You know what? Robin photographed his book cover, she worked with them!
Erin: Wow! Life cycle!
Carly: Life cycle!
Carly: This is unbelievable!
Erin: This is incredible!
Carly: This episode is haunted.
Erin: It’s explosive, this podcast.
Carly: So, anyway, I hated this ghost story.
Riese: Yeah, me too.
Carly: And then Alice is like, “It wasn’t a ghost story,” and she’s like, “It’s a true story. My grandmother told us this story,” which was funny, but whatever. And then Jenny and Nikki jump out wearing hockey masks, and everyone makes fun of them.
Riese: That they bought just for that gag, which I support fully.
Erin: It does feel like something you would do.
Carly: That is absolutely something that I am very into, I love really committing to a bit.
Carly: So, good for them. Everyone’s like, “Also we can hear you having sex.”
Riese: Yeah, which…
Erin: That was the point, so, good.
Riese: Yeah they were like, “You got The Cure? You managed to get rights to The Cure? That’s cool, guys!”
Carly: Yeah, “We heard the dulcet tones…” whatever.
Riese: So the next part of this, I just…
Carly: This is exhausting.
Erin: Oh, it hurts.
Riese: The next part of this is… this is not how you play “Never Have I Ever.” And I love rules.
Erin: You love a game!
Riese: I love games and I love following the rules of the game. Heather Hogan once told me that her favorite thing I ever did was my recap for this episode, because I get so upset throughout the recap that they’re not playing the game right — which is that when you say “I’ve never done,” it has to actually be true about you.
Erin: About yourself.
Riese: About yourself.
Erin: But something you know that other people have done so that they drink.
Riese: Yeah, right.
Carly: This is chaos, they’re playing it wrong.
Riese: It’s absolute chaos!
Carly: No one’s listening to any rules, this is complete disqualification on this whole game.
Riese: Yeah, because the whole fun of it is thinking about something that is very interesting that you’ve not done, but you know that lots of other people have done. You know what I mean? And then you get your friends, you know?
Erin: It feels like no one had played that game.
Riese: No one!
Erin: Maybe it’s a little bit before their time? I remember playing that a lot in college, the “Never Have I Ever,” so maybe it just missed every single one of these actresses?
Riese: I remember playing it in early high school, in the mid 90s, but we didn’t drink at that point. It was just called “The 10 Fingers Game” and you’d have to put down a finger and then, you know, by the end… but I was good, because I had never had my ears pierced.
Carly: Oh, wow!
Erin: So that saved you.
Riese: And I never had hair longer than my shoulders.
Carly: Holy shit.
Riese: That’s the kind of stuff that got you a big win in 9th grade.
Erin: That’s very pure!
Erin: “Never have I ever had hair that’s long.”
Riese: Yeah! Uh huh!
Erin: That’s fun! Lets play that game!
Riese: People find out a lot about each other.
Carly: G-rated “Never Have I Ever.”
Riese: So just so everyone knows, this is not how you play “I’ve Never,” and of course it turns into chaos. So tasha says, “I never cheated on a girlfriend.” This is so egregious, she says a thing and then she drinks, which is, like — you know, ugh, oh my god. They’re playing it wrong.
Carly: No rules! Just no rules!
Riese: No rules!
Carly: No respect for the game!
Riese: Oh and also, before that, there’s one that’s like, “I’ve never been in love” and everybody says they’ve been in love except Shane.
Carly: Who has been in love!
Riese: What?! She has been in love!
Riese: Come on, Shane. You know she’s the kind of person who ret-cons all of her own relationships so she’s like “No, that wasn’t, I wasn’t really in love then.” I do that too. So Tasha says, “I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend,” and she drinks. It turns out she cheated on Michelle, so. And then Jenny drinks, but also, has Jenny ever had a girlfriend besides Carmen?
Erin: Well, don’t they say the French woman? Or no?
Riese: But Marina wasn’t her girlfriend…
Carly: No, they mentioned that she cheated on Max with Claude.
Riese: Right, but Max was her boyfriend.
Riese: Oh, by the way, that was a strong move for Max. I appreciated that.
Carly: I love that he doesn’t get any dialogue except that.
Riese: Yeah, when he was like —
Max:When you cheated on me with Claude?
Riese: That’s right, Max!
Carly: That was a sick burn, Max.
Riese: You know? Yes. It was funny, that was a good burn, Max. So anyway, we get into what is cheating. Bette says it’s not kissing. Alice says it’s kissing. Shane says it’s not kissing or sex if you just do it once. And then Jodi points out a very valid point, which is that, actually, cheating depends on the rules that you’ve established for your relationship!
Erin: Jodi coming through, the most rational person here.
Carly: Mhmm always, always.
Riese: If you’re in a monogamous relationship that is sexually and whatever — everyone sets up their own rules, and it’s important to talk about what those are and to define cheating for yourself.
Erin: Well, I think that conversation is, “Are we monogamous or not?”
Erin: However, I don’t know if I get into a relationship and say, “This is what I think cheating is.”
Erin: “For me, it’s this…”
Riese: But it’s about what is ok — like there’s some relationships where even though, like, “we’re monogamous, but it’s ok if you want to kiss someone else,” or like, “we’re monogamous but we can have a threesome,” or like, there’s some people who don’t want their girlfriends to see their exes or to have feelings for someone else — like if that happened, they would want to talk about it instead of cutting it off or whatever.
Carly: Right. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It’s completely subjective, person by person, and then relationships by relationship. And communication is key. If you’re not having these conversations, then you end up in the kind of situation that Bette finds herself in.
Riese: Tasha is a real radical here, she says that —
Tasha:Thinking is cheating! Alice:Oh my god! Jodi:Thinking? Alice:Thinking? Tasha:What? Yes! If you’re thinking about having sex with somebody besides your partner, flirting with them, that’s intimacy that you’re giving somebody else. Alice:Oh my god. Tasha:Besides your partner, it’s cheating! What?
Riese: We’re into thought crimes. Oof. Bette sort of dodges the question of what she thinks is cheating, and then Alice goes on a little journey…
Carly: Oh my god.
Erin: Bette’s not…
Carly: Oh my god.
Riese: Lauren, put this in.
Alice:Bette, what do you think? You didn’t raise your hand. Bette:I don’t know, I just think it’s a trap to judge. I mean, I think there are different situations and you can’t really categorically… Alice:Oh my god, that is such a non-answer. That’s bette, because she is a big old cheater! Bette:Alice… Shane:Oh, give her a break, come on. Alice:I’m not — I’m not judging! Tina:Who’s got the next “I never?” Bette:Yeah, who’s got the next one? Alice:I’m just — Bette, come on. I mean, you cheat. You were a giant cheater. And it was a phase, I’m not saying you are now, but like, you cheated on Tina, you cheated on me. I mean, you cheated. There’s a lot of cheating, right? You guys, come on, you saw it. You were there, she was cracking through ‘em, baboom, ginormous cheater. Ok, leave me alone, sorry.
Riese: She’s not wrong…
Erin: You’ve got to know it’s coming, when a game like this is played.
Erin: If you’re Bette, you just gotta sit in it, ok?
Riese: You gotta sit in it.
Carly: You gotta roll with it. You have to sit in your discomfort, own what you’ve done, and just roll with it. Because instead, what Bette does is make it very very very very obvious and very awkward. Then Jodi — well there’s that moment — or did you already say this? When everyone’s like, “I’ve cheated! I’ve cheated!” And Bette’s just kind of like [silence.]
Erin: Right. “No, I don’t even know what that means, I don’t even know what cheating is.”
Riese: Yeah, well they’re like, “Is kissing cheating?” Or like, “What is cheating exactly?” And then Jodi sort of is like, “Umm… what… what?” But also, it’s annoying, because Jodi actually has wanted to have an open relationship with Bette.
Carly: I know!
Riese: And Bette denied it.
Carly: This is the true tragedy.
Riese: So Jodi’s trying her best to be monogamous, and Bette’s not really trying very hard at being monogamous, and everyone’s uncomfortable in the way that you are when your drunk friend says the wrong thing and then keeps running with it. But also, it was true, and then she cheated on everyone and then Jodi’s like, “Have you cheated on me?” The sound of Jodi saying this is burned into my brain for life.
Riese: It’s so painful, when she has her head turned and is just like, “Are you cheating on me?” And then there’s this moment of like —
Erin: Right. Too long of a pause.
Carly: Bette just pauses and then everyone’s face is just the same face of horror.
Erin: Here’s the thing: Bette has committed to a lie for months now.
Erin: You can continue to lie right now!
Riese: Commit, yeah!
Erin: “Are you cheating on me?” “No, what?”
Riese: “Uh uh, I’m not, no. Why would you think that?”
Erin: “Why are you projecting on me?”
Riese: “That’s insane, no, I’m just in a bad mood all the time.”
Riese: But Tina then gets up and leaves.
Riese: Runs off!
Carly: Runs into the woods!
Riese: So she kind of blows up her spot. And then Jodi is sort of like, “Uh… huh.” And she runs off, and then Bette runs after her, but so does Tom, and Tom is like, “She doesn’t want to see you, go away.”
Carly: She won’t let Bette unzip the tent door. It’s pretty funny to run into your tent and slam the door.
Erin: And zip it up!
Carly: And zip it up real fast. Like, “This would have been a little more impactful if I was in a house!”
Erin: “I could slam this!”
Carly: “Just know I want to slam this door in your face!”
Riese: And Tina’s tent, she’s kind of like — first of all, she’s still in her big coat, she’s hunched over. This is butch Tina.
Carly: Right, because of the bomber jacket.
Riese: Shane and Alice come to join her and they’re like, “Are you having an affair with Bette?” And then we go back to Bette’s tent where Kit is yelling at Bette, who’s like, “Do you remember that you hated Tina?”
Erin: Right, and you’re not good now.
Carly: No, Bette is like, “I love Tina, I’ve always loved Tina,” and Kit’s response to this is to go, “Ughhhh.” It was amazing.
Erin: Kit is all of us, every episode.
Carly: And her response was, “Ughhh.”
Riese: “Sounds like you’re doing what’s right for Bette.”
Carly: Bette thinks she’s going about it all wrong, but is doing the right thing and for the right reasons, and I would say that all of that is incorrect.
Riese: Uh huh. And then back in the Tina tent…
Carly: Tina tent!
Riese: Tina is like, “I didn’t want it to happen like this,” and her saying, “I can’t help it, it’s something I can’t help” for some reason is an earworm for me, like that gets stuck in my head all the time.
Carly: Oh, interesting!
Riese: The way she says it.
Riese: And I think about it when I’m in situations like that — not like this, obviously.
Carly: I’m sorry the voice of Tina is always with you.
Riese: Recently it was like an earworm in my head and I was like, what is this fucking from? It was driving me nuts, and then when I realized it was from this, I thought, “Well…” But then Shane and Alice are like, “You guys belong together,” and everyone at home in 2008 was like, “That’s true! Yayyy!”
Erin: They belong together in jail, both of them.
Carly: I read that moment as like, you’re both terrible, you deserve each other, absolutely.
Erin: Right, you deserve each other.
Carly: Right, that was the way they said, “You belong together.”
Riese: I don’t think Tina’s really — I mean, again, far be it for me to defend Tina.
Carly: Of course.
Riese: But she’s not the one who’s messing up here, it’s Bette.
Riese: It’s true that they can’t help their feelings. They have them, they’re real, they should be together, Bette shouldn’t be with Jodi.
Carly: But Tina is single, and she knows what she’s doing, and it’s not great, but Bette is the one who is deliberately hurting her partner and lying.
Carly: Then Tina shouts, “I fucking hate women!”
Riese: Yeah, and then she dates Henry again. She fires up the laptop and is like, “Daddy…”
Carly: Daddy of two!
Erin: “Where’s my WiFi?”
Riese: “Adele! Do you have WiFi?”
Erin: “Let me get a hotspot!”
Riese: Oh yeah, a hotspot!
Carly: So now we go back to the campfire of sadness.
Riese: Sad fire.
Carly: Because everyone is gone. Sad fire.
Riese: Did you write “campfire of sadness?” Because I wrote “sad fire.”
Carly: I wrote “campfire of sadness.” And Jenny and Nikki are alone, ruminating about how everyone else is in a really bad place.
Riese: Yeah. I’ve been there before too, where you’re sitting with someone and your relationship is bad, but yet you’re sitting there talking about how everyone else’s is bad, but in the back of my mind I’m like, I think this is also bad.
Erin: This is going to end terribly.
Erin: Not just bad, it’s going to end terribly.
Erin: She says another very scary line to Nikki, which is, “I’m going to love you forever” dot dot dot, “I promise.”
Carly: Yeah, it sounded like a threat.
Riese: That means, no, she’s not.
Erin: At that point… ooof.
Riese: Yeah, the narrator is like, “She did not love her forever.”
Carly: Jenny says that her friends think that she is out of her mind for falling in love with Nikki, to which I wrote, ‘”do they?”
Riese: What friends?
Carly: Oh yeah, I thought people were just upset with her about sleeping with the star of the film, and those people that were upset with her were the people making the film. I don’t think her friends care that she’s with Nikki, if anything they’re probably — I mean she seems happy with Nikki, besides from the obvious conflict of interest at work, so, I thought that was a little like, ok Jenny.
Riese: Yeah, I don’t think anyone cares who Jenny is dating, it’s just the work thing, which is kind of inapprorpiate.
Carly: Inappropriate. And then Nikki’s like, “We’re different, Jenny.” Which is how — whomst amongst us…
Riese: They were not different.
Carly: I have not been in a relationship with someone where you watch other peoples’ relationships fall apart and you sit there smugly saying, “Well, we’re different,” and that, of course, is inevitable that you will also meet your doom.
Riese: Yeah. Everyone needs to accept that they’re not different, and you’re just going to have problems and you’re going to have to work through them.
Erin: Carly, didn’t you make a list about that?
Carly: I’m currently — due to some pending legal action, I’m no longer allowed to talk about that list.
Erin: Oh, ok.
Carly: Yeah, I’ve been sued by everyone who was on it.
Erin: Got it.
Carly: Ok, now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Where’s Adele? Adele is in the tent. And guess what?
Carly: She is scheming some more. She finds the camcorder, takes the tape out of the camcorder, puts a blank tape into the camcorder as a decoy — which made me truly nostalgic for physical media for a brief moment — and then peaces out.
Riese: I wrote, “I remember those little tapes.”
Erin: Yeah, they were fun to plug in!
Carly: Yeah, those mini DVs! Mini DVs!
Riese: Yeah and the [screaching noise] and then you put the thing over, you know?
Carly: And then it’s tomorrow, and Bette is crying by a lake.
Riese: Yeah, she’s wearing a flannel, she’s got a fleece on over the flannel, she’s wearing a winter hat, she’s wearing flared dark jeans.
Riese: Almost certainly GAP jeans. And she’s crying, this is deep deep lesbian culture.
Carly: Absolutely, crying by a body of water in layers, come on.
Erin: And crying for what?
Erin: I understand that everything around her is crumbling, but…
Carly: It’s her fault!
Riese: She feels terrible.
Erin: She orchestrated this.
Riese: I know, but she still feels terrible.
Carly: Once again, Bette Porter is the architect of her own demise.
Riese: Yeah, she is. She doesn’t deserve sympathy, because she did this.
Riese: But she’s still devastated to hurt someone.
Erin: But it would seem exhausting, I think, to me, she’s what, at this point, 30? I guess? Whatever timeline…
Riese: 40… yeah… 75?
Erin: She’s 75, and she’s done this her whole life, right?
Riese: Yeah, she did this in the 80s, she did it in the 70s… she did it in the 20s, the roaring 20s.
Erin: The roaring 20s.
Riese: The roaring 20s, she was a maniac.
Carly: Just cheating on everybody.
Erin: She was a flapper and just could not stop.
Riese: She could not stop. Prohibition, she thrived.
Erin: I just don’t understand — I mean, she’s a mystery to me, really.
Riese: Yeah, I think what’s funny about this podcast is that everyone always — you didn’t say this — but most people say that Bette is their favorite character, and then we actually start talking about the episode and they’re just like, “Wow, Bette, that’s a bad thing that happened!”
Carly: It happens almost every episode.
Erin: Is everyone’s favorite Bette?
Riese: Yeah, it’s the most common.
Carly: Yeah. So Bette walks back to the campsite, Max is like, “They left. Jodi wanted to ride alone.” And then we just get some more biking B-roll!
Riese: And Max is mad.
Carly: Of course he is!
Riese: He’s mad at Bette for being a cheater. And also, Bette cheated and he doesn’t get to ride bikes with his boyfriend. Instead he has to ride bikes with all of his transphobic lesbian friends.
Carly: Exactly. Now he’s in hell.
Riese: Once again, Max is the one — and he’s got to put away the whole tent by himself!
Carly: Ugh, it sucks.
Riese: And that’s it!
Carly: And then we get more biking B-roll, and that’s the episode!
Riese: Oh yeah, we do. Yeah everyone has a nice sad…
Carly: Sad bike ride.
Erin: How many miles did they say that was?
Riese: Um, a hundred and…
Erin: A hundred and twenty…
Riese: Uh huh. 5,000 miles? 500 miles?
Erin: Good for them!
Riese: Well, that’s the episode!
Carly: That’s the episode! I feel like, generally, we liked this episode question mark?
Erin: Yeah I think —
Riese: I loved it!
Erin: I loved it!
Carly: I enjoyed it!
Erin: I love Angela Robinson.
Riese: I do wish they played “I never” correctly.
Erin: Oh, right.
Carly: Yeah, that was a crime, and the flared leggings were a crime, but everything else was generally fine.
Riese: I had a lot of feelings during it that ran the gamut.
Carly: I enjoyed the amount of drama that was present on this ride for charity.
Riese: Uh huh, and the amount of comedy.
Erin: And montages!
Riese: And montages, and lots of nice soft indie rock…
Erin: Close to lesbian scrapbooking music.
Erin: Close, but not.
Carly: Not exactly. I also appreciated all the kind of Pacific Northwest-y landscape-y vistas, that was a lovely change of scenery.
Carly: It was beautiful.
Riese: And I loved that it rained!
Carly: Never rains on this show.
Riese: Because it never rains on this show, just like it never rains in LA.
Carly: That’s very true to LA, yeah, but not Vancouver, so that’s interesting.
Riese: And a bird pooped on the other side of my bedroom window, like 6 months ago, and I can’t access it, you know, it’s like —
Erin: Oh, right!
Riese: So I have been waiting for it to rain ever since then, and it still hasn’t rained, and it’s never going to rain.
Carly: It’s never going to rain.
Riese: And what do I do? Do I put a poster on my window?
Erin: Yeah, maybe!
Erin: Or just like a large frame you can lean against the wall?
Riese: Yeah. Anyway!
Carly: Erin, where can everyone find you on the internet?
Erin: You can find me on Twitter @sullivem, that is my old email from college, just lopped off. People get very confused because my last name is Sullivan, and it isn’t spelled that way. But you can find me on Twitter @sullivem and on Instagram @active_senior_
Riese: Yeah, she posts all the time.
Erin: I don’t, I don’t.
Riese: So you’re going to have a hard time keeping up!
Erin: Occasionally Stories…
Riese: Yeah, occasionally Stories.
Erin: I post on the regular profile maybe once a year. So, watch that space, another one may be coming out!
Carly: Oh my god, this is huge.
Erin: I don’t know yet.
Carly: This is a big day, very big day.
Riese: Wow! A big day. That will be a big day.
Carly: I would also want to plug, again, Who Killed Jenny Schecter, an incredible podcast, and I think fans of this podcast would really enjoy your podcast!
Erin: I think you are correct!
Erin: And you can find it everywhere!
Carly: But also, I would say if you haven’t seen the whole series, maybe don’t watch it yet, because it does have spoilers. Like the title, for instance, is a spoiler.
Erin: Right, I guess you know that right off the bat though.
Riese: Well it was in Gen Q.
Carly: Yeah it’s in Gen Q.
Erin: Otherwise, we’re not really in the same realm as The L Word world, I guess.
Erin: Same characters, but not necessarily the same plot lines, so just enjoy.
Carly: Not canon, but should be.
Riese: It’s not canon, but it should be.
Carly: Should be canon.
Riese: And yeah, you can find that on iTunes and —
Carly: Just wherever you get your podcasts.
Riese: And I believe it does say, on your podcast it says, “If you like this podcast, you might like To L and Back.
Riese: I wonder if it says that on our podcast about your podcast?
Erin: I bet so!
Carly: That’s so cute! Thank you so much for listening to To L and Back. You can find us on social media over on Instagram and Twitter. We are @tolandback. You can also email us at: firstname.lastname@example.org. And don’t forget, we have a hotline! You can give us a call and leave a message, it’s 971-217-6130. We’ve also got merch, which you can find at store.autostraddle.com. There’s stickers, there’s shirts, including a Bette Porter 2020 shirt, which is pretty excellent. Our theme song is by Be Steadwell, our logo is by Carra Sykes. And this podcast was produced, edited, and mixed by Lauren Klein. You can find me on social, I am @carlytron. Riese is @autowin. Autostraddle is @autostraddle. And of course, Autostraddle.com, the reason we are all here today.
Riese: Autostraddle dot com!
Carly: Alright, and finally, it’s time for our L words. This is the segment of the show where we end things by simultaneously shouting out a random L word. Usually these have little-to-no relevance to anything we recapped. Ok, Riese, are you ready?
Riese: Ok. One, two, three. List.
Carly: LeBron James.
Carly: Riese, what was yours?
Riese: I said LAvote.net.
Carly: Oh my god, amazing!
Erin: Get out the vote! Rock the vote!
Riese: Yeah, rock the vote! No, mine was “list.” Mine was “list,” because it’s on the cover of Erin’s voter guide, which arrived today, a week after your ballot arrived.
Erin: I already filled it out.
Riese: I filled mine out, I mailed mine today.
Carly: I dropped off my ballot three days before my voting guide arrived.
Erin: Yeah, I don’t know why they came separate.
Carly: Y,eah. Erin what was your L word?
Carly: Oh, I love to learn!
Erin: Like I will learn —
Riese: Yeah, you’re gonna learn about the candidates!
Erin: The local candidates!
Erin: And measures!
Carly: I can also send you a voting guide that I used. And mine was LeBron James, who just won his fourth NBA title in his 17th season, just like Sue Bird did a week before that. And I like LeBron James a lot.
Riese: So who did you vote for for President?
Carly: For President?!
Erin: Just run through all of it!
Carly: Um, I believe I voted for Kanye…. I’m just kidding, I… do you want me to answer? Joe Biden. Are you serious?
Riese: Yeah, me too. I did too.
Erin: Joe Biden!
Riese: Yeah, Joe Biden.
Carly: Joe Biden all the way. I mean…
Riese: Joe Biden… loooove…
Erin: Bette Porter 2020.
Carly: Because honestly the slug should be “Joe Biden: I guess we’re doing this.”
Riese: Yeah, Joe Biden.
Carly: I guess so.
Riese: And honestly I would recommend to those of you at home, I would say of all the candidates for President, I would vote for Joe Biden.
Erin: I agree.
Carly: Yeah, that feels like the right choice. Thank you all for listening, bye!
Previously on Wynonna Earp, Waverly almost succumbed to her duty as an angel guardian meant to keep the demon Eve in her supernatural prison but Wynonna showed up just in time to get her baby girl and her gunslinger out of the Garden and back to Purgatory but when they got back after Waverly and Nicole reunited on the stairs, they all realized they’d been gone much longer than they thought. 18 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days to be exact.
Though Wynonna and Doc don’t know that yet, they just know that things look drastically different in Purgatory than when they left, what with the hanging bodies and all. They decide to go to Shorty’s to regroup but when they walk in, it’s not the rowdy dive bar they remember. Instead it’s a chill juice bar with a hilarious menu. It has drinks like “I Walk the Lime” and “Go Ahead, Make My Smoothie” and ingredients like “unfrozen frozen yogurt” and I just highly recommend pausing to read through it. Amazing.
The new proprietor turns around and while Wynonna is thrilled to see a familiar face in Chrissy Nedley, Chrissy isn’t nearly as happy to see Wynonna.
She throws an eggplant at her and puts her under citizen’s arrest for the murder of her father, Randall Nedley.
My face whenever I remember we probably won’t have new Legends of Tomorrow episodes until Fall 2021.
They start to drag Wynonna out to the square to apparently hang her on the spot, talking about how Nedley disappeared a year and a half ago, the same time they did, and Wynonna is yelling and Chrissy is yelling and Doc has his guns out and at first it seems our heroes are outnumbered and SOL but then the new sheriff in town saunters in and says that Chrissy should know better and that they’ll give Wynonna a fair trial before punishing her. Wynonna is confused as to who this non-redheaded “sheriff” is and tells Doc to get Waverly and Nicole as she’s dragged away. Doc says he’ll get everyone and runs off.
Meanwhile at the Homestead, Waverly is dancing in the afterglow of her reunion with Nicole. She dances into the kitchen in her little pajama set and is surprised to find a teenager she doesn’t recognize in the kitchen.
“Have you been in the kitchen…THIS WHOLE TIME?!”
Rachel introduces herself and offers Waverly some homemade kombucha and Waverly is trying to wrap her head around who this person is when an alarm goes off outside and Valdez and Haught spring into action like they’ve done it hundreds of times. (Which they probably have.)
Waverly watches Nicole and Rachel grab weapons and run off so she grabs a giant spoon off the wall (despite there being a giant fork right there) and follows them.
The spoon says, “Bless this hot mess” and I want one. Did Nicole buy this? To try to make the Homestead homier for when the Earp girls came back to her??
While they run, Nicole tries to explain that they have traps set up and have to check them every two hours because there are all kinds of monsters in the woods, and one big bad that wants in most of all.
But they didn’t catch a cryptid this time, just a gunslinger who is happy to see two of his favorite ladies. He instinctively calls Nicole “Sheriff” but she tells him that she’s just Nicole, or occasionally, “That crazy ginger bitch” as she carefully gets him out of their trap. He tells them that they have to go get Wynonna because she’s being framed for Nedley’s murder and frankly that’s a lot of information packed into one very stressful sentence.
How dare Waverly’s hair look this good after being in a hell dimension.
In town it seems the new Sheriff has repurposed the Widow Mercedes/Bobo Box and throws Wynonna into it with Casey, a man who seems very friendly until he learns she’s an Earp at which point he panics. Wynonna points out she doesn’t have her gun, though she wisely covers and pretends like she just doesn’t have it on her, so Casey starts filling her in on what’s been going on for the past year and a half she was missing. It seems demons started flocking to the woods near the stairs and Casey said that things started getting dodgy, even for him, and he’s half demon himself.
And to prove to us just how dodgy, we then cut to a delivery man getting absolutely obliterated by a monster in the woods.
Back at the Homestead, Waverly is trying to reckon with the fact that Randy Nedley is gone, and Nicole tries to tell her how different things have been. How everyone is kind of gone. She hasn’t seen Kate since the train, Jeremy hasn’t reached out in months, she just trails off when thinking about Robin, so whether he’s a walking murder tree or just MIA is anyone’s guess. Waverly starts to joke about not knowing how old she is but Nicole doesn’t laugh. There’s nothing funny about those 18 months, not to her.
Me when I see people posting their social gatherings on Instagram like we’re not still in a fucking pandemic.
Nicole solemnly gives Waverly her coffee and apologizes for there not being any almond milk and Waverly looks up at her girlfriend, concerned, and tells her to stop apologizing. Doc tries to reassure her too, saying she was heroic, surviving and protecting the homestead alone all this time, but the words don’t sink in. She brushes them off and says she had Rachel, at least. Doc asks after Mercedes and Nicole says the last place she was seen was a demon bar so Doc volunteers to go find her and see if she knows what happened to Nedley.
When Doc gets to the bar, he’s ready to fight, knocking out a bouncer and whipping out his guns, but he’s more fazed by the name of the bar being The Glory Hole than anyone is about him trying to start a ruckus. The owner of this fine establishment approaches, introducing himself as Amon, turns on the flirt and says that Doc is more than welcome in this demon bar.
Doc starts to demand to see Mercedes, assuming she’s being held hostage, when she very voluntarily takes the stage, clad in rubber, wearing a collar, wielding a whip, and calling herself Portia Control.
“There will always be women in rubber flirting with me!”
Meanwhile Waverly is in her room at the Homestead, ready to kick so much ass, especially and specifically whoever took her girlfriend’s job and arrested her sister.
Shout out to what my friend Marcie thought was a giant moccasin hanging on Waverly’s closet door.
This makes Nicole smile a genuine smile that has been rare so far this episode.
Our girl’s still in there somewhere.
But Nicole’s smile fades as she tells Waverly about how carefully she protected and sorted her clothing, and gets distracted by the sound of her teenager yelling about skunks outside.
She says she has to go deal with that and kisses Waverly on the forehead and wishes her luck getting Wynonna back safely.
I know something’s wrong because there’s no way anyone should be able to focus on anything but Waverly Earp in that outfit when in a room with Waverly Earp in that outfit.
Wynonna is still getting to know her boxmate and asks Casey why he stays in town if it’s so dangerous here, and he realizes he forgot to mention that the Ghost River Triangle is in a bit of a quarantine and has government agents closely monitoring the border. Demons and criminals aren’t allowed in or out.
Wynonna is still reeling from the 7-layer dip of fuckery when the new sheriff stops by to tell her she has a visitor. Waverly has on her British Adult disguise glasses and speaks firmly to the new Sheriff, demanding that her “client” receive a fair trial.
“I put my hands on my hips so you will take me seriously!”
The sheriff knows exactly who she is, even with the glasses on, and also they were already going to give her a trial, though Waverly also wants a body, because she knows the basic rules of television: No body, no death. #MayaLives
But before anyone can add anything else, in struts the Magistrate. She is hot and she knows it, she hates the Earps and she shows it.
Is this the “girl in red” I keep hearing about?
She also tells Waverly she has a cute outfit in a way that implies she can tell it’s not Waverly’s go-to look. Wynonna suddenly seems even less certain of her fate.
Waverly tries to reassure Wynonna by telling her that Doc is on the case, but when we check in on Doc, he’s just watching Mercedes perform at the Glory Hole with his jaw on the ground. And when she licks her lips and her fangs, my jaw joins it there.
After her dance, Doc sits down with Mercedes, who is grateful to see a friendly face. She tells them that this town is soo bass ackwards these days that she has to pretend to be a vampire and hide in plain sight at this demon bar for safety. He asks her what happened to Nedley and she says that he started oozing and took off into the woods, and since that’s where the monsters are, she assumes he got eaten.
Mercedes being serious is unsettling. Shit got REAL in the Ghost River Triangle.
She tells Doc the general direction of the monster she thinks took Nedley, called the People Eater, but that’s all she can do. She sends him off with sad eyes and a warning that this isn’t the Ghost River Triangle he left behind.
Previously on Legends of Tomorrow, a bunch of villains from throughout history were released from hell and the Legends had to travel through space and time to kill these Encores with hell weapons, they learned their buddy Charlie was actually Clotho the fate and she got tricked by her sisters to rejoin their ranks and they rewrote the fate of the world, but the Legends rebelled from their TV universe, much to Charlie’s dismay.
As she heads back to her sisters, Charlie is realizing that the Legends have started the rumblings of a rebellion, and she is so stressed about it.
Her desperate little, “Even I like the blue mush!” was so cute.
She tries to play it cool when she gets to the Temple of the Loom and sits next to her fellow fates in the throne room, where they will start seeing their people’s requests, trying to pretend like everything is fine.
Meanwhile, the Legends, fresh out of their TV boxes, are trying to find the Loom. And also thus begins a series of hilarious moments where Zari 2 and Original Zari joke about their continued mutual existence, like how Zari 2 thinks Original Zari’s voice is weird.
They run into Gary and Mona, who tell them that if the Waverider is anywhere, it’s likely at the Forbidden Dump, where all the fun things go to die.
So while Ava leads half the team there, Sara and Constatine go to the Hall of Fates. They use Sara’s blindness to their advantage and Sara easily takes down some guards, and they lead the rest of the team in to find the Loom.
Good ol’ Sara “roll with the punches” Lance.
In the throne room, one worshipper asks for more blue mush, and Lachesis grants it nobly. The next asks for her favorite TV shows to come back from hiatus, which is a mood, and when Charlie says the actors needed a break, she asks if they were tired from the crossover. Which is already hilarious, since often CW actors do indeed need a hiatus from the crossover, but just to add a little extra Legends jab at it, Atropos asks with disdain in her voice, “What is a crossover?”
When Lachesis realizes what Clotho did, she is furious, but Clotho tries to defend her old crew. She points to how they were cleaning up the Encore mess and it wasn’t even their fault, and Lachesis (whose fault it actually was) gaslights Charlie into thinking the Encores were HER fault, because Clotho broke the Loom in the first place, creating chaos and therefore creating villains. Lachesis asks her sister what she thinks the people would prefer, more choices, or everlasting peace. Charlie looks out over these helpless mortals, thinks of all the friends she’s lost or almost lost, thinks of all the pain and suffering she thinks she caused, and sits down, giving in. She says they would want peace.
You can’t be so afraid of pain that you keep yourself from feeling anything at all, bb.
Sara, Astra and Constantine continue their quest for the Loom, and once they find it, they set out to destroy it. Astra doesn’t think she has enough power to do it, but Constantine knows she has her mother’s magic blood in her and encourages her to channel it.
At the Dump, Ava, Zari, Nate and Mick all find the Waverider, so Mick heads off to find Lita before they go. They realize Gideon is broken, and that they need a superconductor to get the ship back up and running again, so Zari uses Steely Nate so Ava can get them off the ground.
When Zari 2 and Behrad go undercover in the throne room, they realize they only see two of the Fates…but that’s because Atropos found Sara first.
“Ava? Is that you? Save that for tonight, babe.”
Atropos is amused that Sara “bears the scars” of their last encounter, but Sara says her scars make her stronger before using her new Fate-given powers to defeat her at her own game.
Astra starts to realize that she replaced some of her memories with Lachesis, causing her powers to falter, but as Atropos is telling Sara that these powers come from her, Sara insists that her real power comes from her team. To prove her point, the Team Totem swoops in and blasts Atropos away from Sara. Sara realizes that if she has some Fate power in her, she can use it to her advantage, and snipps Atropos’ thread. Defeated at her own game.
The Legends all rush back to the Waverider and quickly jump out of that time period to avoid Lachesis’s wrath, and when they land, they’re still in the Forbidden Dump. But suddenly, Sara can see. They realize her powers must have been linked to Atropos and with her gone, she’s back to our regular old Paragon assassin. And it feels appropriate that the first thing she sees is trash.
But the second thing she sees is her beautiful girlfriend, and she’s thrilled about it.
I’d miss that face, too.
When they head outside to see when they are and what has changed, they learn that they’re only a few months into the future. Things seem normal at first glance, until they realize that everyone is relying on their smartwatches to make every decision for them. And instead of Siri or a Google Assistant, they’re asking Fate. The Legends see the billboards all around them and know that Lachesis might not have the loom, but she’s still controlling everyone’s fate.
The Legends head to where the temple used to be but now it’s a history museum documenting the atrocities of free will to help scare people into trusting the Fate technology. The Legends head into the Hall of Bad Ideas, which features arguably great ideas like glitter and spring shoes, along with unequivocally bad ideas like the Shake Weight and The Thong Song. Ava goes over to this Sisqo exhibit and is reading the lyrics aloud, confused as to how this was such a smash hit in the early aughts, to which I have no good answer for her. The song slaps but the lyrics to leave something to be desired.
Nate really wants to play the song but Sara stops her and leads her team to the Hall of Villains. The Encores they’ve spent the season fighting (plus more of history’s big bads) are all displayed and ranked here, including the lovely Marie Antoinette.
Behrad and Original Zari are still trying to fix the Waverider, and I’m just so glad we got a little more time with our flannel-clad tech genius.
Who will take up the plaid representation when she’s gone?
But something isn’t quite right, because Behrad has a flash of a memory of dying in her timeline.
As the team goes through the Hall of Villains, they realize that they’re cataloged here too, labeled Godkillers. I feel like we’re tiptoeing on infringing the Worldkillers here, but Lachesis wouldn’t care too much about that now would she. Also, Ava is a little hurt that they’re only number two on the list.
If you’re gonna be the worst, you might as well be the best at it.
They go to see who the #1 worst villain in history is, and are surprised to find Charlie there, trapped only by the will of her Fatewatch who tells her to stay. She’s so scared that they’re there, so scared she’ll hurt someone again. So they feel they have no choice but to knock her out and take her back to the ship.
“I had the strangest dream…and you were there, and you.”
Charlie is nearly frantic because she’s not where the Fatewatch told her she should be. She tells her captains that she regrets being the Loom Breaker, Creator of Chaos. It’s so sad and scary to see wild and free Charlie having been scared and manipulated to the point of being this scared and obedient Clotho. Sara and Ava blame themselves, for leaving Charlie behind and letting Lachesis get into her head.
Even the best captains make mistakes sometimes.
Charlie insists that Lachesis only did what was best for her, because they’re family, but Sara says that THEY’RE her family, not Lachesis. That overpowering and controlling someone isn’t loving them. That deciding what’s best for you instead of helping you decide for yourself isn’t taking care of them.
And Astra is learning the same lesson at the same time. All these years she thought Lachesis was loving her, raising her, but she was really training her, making her forget her own mother. But that’s not reality, and it’s not what Astra wants.
The Legends get together to try to sell Charlie on the concept of free will, but everything they offer her she has an answer for. The Beatles were great, sure, but they also inspired Charles Manson. Mona tries to use Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again (a nice little nod to Original Zari’s loop episode), but Charlie reminds them that Napoleon once almost killed them because of Abba. Ava and Sara try a different route, and try to point out that their entire relationship wouldn’t exist without chaos.
“I mean look at us! We’re disaster queers! Even if our paths had crossed we wouldn’t have ended up together without the gentle nudging of these other fools!”
Random twists of fate brought them together, an assassin and a clone, a vigilante time traveler and the lead of the agency built to thwart them. Sure there have been mistakes along the way, but sometimes mistakes just help guide us toward our destiny. But Charlie remains unconvinced.
“Love is a lie.”
After giving up trying to sell free will to Charlie, the Zaris work together to try to find the Loom of Fate that surely must still exist if all these people are zombies, all while Behrad tries to hide the fact that a bullet wound is slowly forming in his chest. With Original Zari’s guidance, Zari 2 finds the source of the Fatewatch, but it’s not the Loom at all. They really did destroy that. Instead, the people are being controlled by Lachesis and Gideon.