Tag: Lies

Mo Springer reviews Marriage of a Thousand Lies by SJ Sindu – The Lesbrary

Mo Springer reviews Marriage of a Thousand Lies by SJ

Marriage of a Thousand Lies by S.J. Sindu (Amazon Affiliate Link)

Lucky is a lesbian, but in her conservative Sri Lankan family, that’s not an option. She married her gay friend Kris and they go to gay bars, have lovers, and still have the approval and conditional love of their family. When her grandmother falls and Lucky has to move back home to help take care of her, the lies become harder and more pressing. Then, Lucky’s childhood sweetheart Nisha is getting married, and Lucky wants to save her. She’s trapped in the obligations of a family that has many of its own problems–her father divorced her mother for her best friend, her sister entered an arranged marriage she didn’t want but seems happy, and her other sister ran away. Lucky wants to escape this life of duty without happiness, but how can she leave her family behind?

This was a hard story, I won’t lie. There is a lot of honesty and truth in this book, and the author doesn’t pull any punches. Lucky is miserable, and her obvious depression bleeds through the page. Having said that, it’s important to note that this is not a bad story–this is an amazing story that surrounds sad events.

Every single character is so unique and well-rounded that by the end of the book, I felt like I knew these people personally. Lucky’s mother clings to these traditions and cultural rules so desperately as a way to keep control of her life that has been destroyed by these same rules (her husband who left her is accepted in their society, but not she, the divorced woman). Her grandmother has always been very dear, and has lived an amazing life, but now puts Lucky into a panic with talk of grandchildren. Nisha wants her family to love and accept her, but she also wants to have her own life and happiness. Kris is desperate to be different from what he is, to keep up this lie as much as possible, to never let go, no matter the cost to Lucky.

A lot of these characters come across as unlikeable for good reason. Lucky’s mother is unquestioningly homophobic. At times it seems that Nisha is using Lucky more than caring about how her decisions have an affect on her. Kris, similarly, seems to be using Lucky.

Kris in particular I had a hard time giving as much empathy to as I was with the other characters. As much as I hated Lucky’s mother’s decisions, I can understand them. I felt all of her Lucky’s pain every time Nisha did something to hurt her, but I can also sympathize with where Nisha is coming from. But with Kris, at times it really felt like he just saw Lucky as a means to an end, the end being his acceptance in their community and his family. Lucky wants to lie to keep her family happy, but Kris seems to want more than that. He wants to be normal and have the social status he would have if he was straight.

Social status and community acceptance are themes for all the characters. The author does a great job of explaining the Sri Lankan culture and traditions, creating an immersive experience that also helps to inform the reader of the characters’ motivations. As much as I didn’t like what a lot of them did, I understood them and stayed engaged with their story arcs.

The writing itself is also amazingly beautiful. The exact and specific imagery that flows through the narrative pulled me so effectively the real world felt like a blur. I think I must have highlight lines on every page, it was so stunning.

This is a great book, and I do highly recommend it. It’s not a light and fluffy read, so don’t go into it expecting that, but it is fulfilling.

11 Lies About Break-Ups We’ve All Fallen For – KitschMix

11 Lies About Break-Ups We’ve All Fallen For – KitschMix

Let’s take a few minutes to talk about something unpleasant: Breaking up with your girlfriend. Especially around the holidays, break-ups can send you into the deepest, darkest pits of your soul, holding your happiness captive. Sometimes break-ups are messy, and people get hurt. You invest so much of your time, energy, and emotion into this one person and it gets harder to see the other people out there. This is especially true at the end of a toxic relationship where the partners are so involved in one another’s lives that they’ve literally lost touch with the outside world – friends, family members, anyone who used to mean the world to them before they entered their relationship.

To make matters worse, the brain doesn’t really like the idea of change – even positive change. Our brain, masquerading as our heart, takes bits and pieces of things and refuse to fully let go. It’s why you get nostalgic when looking through old pictures, and why you get teary-eyed when you remember your childhood pet. We appreciate things more after we’ve lost them, after all – so why would our romantic partners be any different?

Properly handling a break-up is one of those life-skills that isn’t automatically programmed into us, though – we’ve got to learn it (often the hard way). One of the first steps in resolving your break-up process is understanding that these 11 things are total bullshit.

“One last romp… For old time’s sake.”

There is absolutely no reason you need to sleep with someone one more time when you break up. Not only does it set the precedent that you’re only good for sex – which can drastically lower your self-confidence – but it also reinforces all the bonds you’re trying to break. Think about it: That’s like finding out you’re allergic to peanuts, and then chomping down on one last bag “for old time’s sake.” It’s not going to make the pain of the allergy any less severe, and it won’t make the pain of your break-up any less severe, either. It’ll just encourage you to fall into the same patterns you have, and make up with someone you really don’t belong with.

“The fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

Whoever started this line of thinking was clearly not looking out for anyone else’s interests when they first said it. The idea that you can move on by forcing yourself to move on completely undermines the grieving and reflecting process – both of which are essential to healing after a break-up. Your brain has withdrawals from oxytocin and it wants them to be dealt with as soon as possible – pushing you toward making irresponsible sexual decisions and placing unfair expectations on your new partner. Love yourself first, in every sense of the word, and be prepared for what the next relationship has in store for you, instead of forcing yourself to relieve your past relationships indefinitely. It might sound hokey, but it’s absolutely necessary.

“We can still be friends.”

I’ve always marveled at people who could stay friends with their exes after a bitter break-up. Once someone has crushed your feelings so completely, can you actually completely forgive them? Well, yes – but not right away. It’s impossible to be “just friends” with someone you have romantic feelings toward. Once those feelings are gone, things might be different – but they might be so different that you have no desire to be friends with this person anymore. It’s important that you focus on your mental and emotional health instead of trying to hold onto the past. It’s always going to sting a little to see when she’s moved on, but if you’ve still got feelings for her when it happens, it’s going to be devastating. Save yourself the heartache and opt to do your own thing until you’ve healed.

“It’s all her/my fault.”

Okay, so technically this one counts as two misconceptions, but the basis of both of them is exactly the same. Break-ups are very rarely (with extra emphasis on both parts) black-and-white or one-sided. Even if the relationship itself felt unbalanced, there was still one of you who frustrated the other, and the other who didn’t tackle those frustrations head-on. Everyone makes poor choices, but the wise among us learn and grow from those mistakes. Learning how to forgive can be difficult, but it’s essential that you forgive both yourself and her. I’m pretty partial to the forgiveness meditations within the Calm app myself – these forgiveness meditations are offered for free and have done wonders for improving my ability to let go of the past.

“Break-ups make you fat.”

I’ll admit that I’ve gone through a number of break-ups where I had gained a fair amount of weight by the time I met my next partner. I’ve also had break-ups where I lost a tremendous amount of weight before it was all said and done. It really comes down to how you handle it. The most successful way to handle a break-up is to use it as an opportunity to improve yourself – join a gym, start eating healthier, or just spend some time walking in nature every day. You’ll be amazed at how much of a difference it makes.

“Being single again sucks.”

Many people (myself included) don’t like the feeling of being single. Humans are social creatures, after all – even the most antisocial introverts among us need some type of interaction. But that’s not singledom that sucks – it’s loneliness, and they’re not one and the same. It’s all about your attitude: Will you choose to be happy today? Have you made a plan for how to handle your new single life? And, perhaps most importantly, have you taken the time to cherish, appreciate, and revel in your freedom?

“I’ll never fall in love again.”

Of course you will. Humans are social creatures, remember? Eventually the day will come when you’re drawn to someone else, and if you’ve closed off your heart to the idea of finding love again, it’s going to be really hard to cope with the “what might have beens” that are soon to come your way. I do believe that everyone is capable of having a truly timeless love, but to be quite blunt, if you broke up… This one wasn’t it.

“It came from totally out of the blue.”

When you hear someone say this about the end of their relationship, you can guarantee that – in their mind – they are painting their ex as a saboteur of romance. But break-ups are rarely spontaneous. There are almost always signs that things are on the rocks, but many people choose to ignore what they consider “bad news.” It’s good that you choose to focus on the positives, but ignoring the fact that your relationship was on the rocks is not the right type of optimism. Someone else’s feelings are on the line here, too.

“I can get through this break-up the same way I’ve gotten through every other break-up.”

Wouldn’t it be great if you could figure out the secret formula and end all the pain of break-ups for the rest of your life? Well, that would be great – but chances are, finding that formula would get rid of the need for a break-up in the first place. It’s not a lost cause, though, as long as you’re actually learning things from the relationship. Each and every person – and every relationship – is different, so if there really is a pattern forming, there might be some tough introspection to do – repeating the exact same mistakes will never lead to new results.

“I’m already damaged, so what’s the point in trying?”

If you’ve ever thought that it was too late to improve your life, or that you were just “bad at relationships,” you’re not alone – but you’re also the victim of a fixed mindset. It’s never too late to make your life better, because humans are ever-evolving and growing into different people. As long as you’re steadily making progress towards the better version of yourself, you are improving. Even slow progress is better than no progress at all.

“I can change. I deserve another chance.”

Well… Yes and no. It’s entirely possible that you can change, but do you really want to be making those changes to appease someone else? If you’re not making changes for yourself, your motivation will waver and you will mess up. It’s part of the process. (Even if you are doing it for yourself, slip-ups happen.) These slip-ups will damage the trust, respect, and self-worth in the relationship – are you sure you want to risk resentment?

More than just that, your ex is allowed to be happy, too, and she doesn’t owe you a second chance any more than you’d owe her one. No one has the right to expect someone else put their own happiness on the back-burner to your wants. Let her go find her own happiness, and take care when cultivating yours. Your second-chance will come, but it might not be with her, and you need to accept that before you can move on.