Tag: Weve

the things we’ve learned about making an LGBTQ family – Lesbian.com

the things we’ve learned about making an LGBTQ family –

Special to Lesbian.com

If these ovaries could talk“There is no simple way for LGBTQ folks to have babies. There are so many decisions that we have to make because we have too much of one thing and not enough of the other. Two women have two uterus (or is it uteruses? uteri?), but they don’t have sperm. Two men have all the sperm in the world, but come up short in the eggs and hopper department. And with trans fertility, the questions are more specific to each individual or couple, but that doesn’t mean there are fewer questions to be answered.

In terms of paths, you can embark on the scientific route, but you’ll need to figure out who will carry the baby, whose egg will be used, who will donate the sperm, who will go first. Perhaps you’ll consider using a surrogate, IVF, IUI, or even trying at home with what we like to call the “turkey baster method”. You may think about adopting. If you do, you’ll need to figure out if you want to adopt internationally or domestically or if you want to use an adoption lawyer or private agency. And don’t forget there’s always the option of being foster parents.

Wherever you fall on the LGBTQ spectrum, if you want to have a kid, you’ll have to figure out how to make that baby. And no matter which path you choose, it will cost ya…a lot.

Now, you’d think there would be a lot of grumbling from LGBTQ folks about how hard it is to make families. Well, we’re here to tell you that hasn’t been our experience. The folks we’ve talked to have made thoughtful decisions and were deliberate and intentional at every turn. Instead of the process feeling like a cross to bear, every choice they made defined and illuminated their families in love. And that’s beautiful.”

Robin and Jaimie share about their stories too like that time Jaimie assumed she’d be the one to carry their babies.

“I have always wanted to birth a child. Being gay never once deterred me. It just solidified the fact that I had to partner with a woman who wanted to be a mother and felt no need to carry. Luckily, Anne fit those criteria.

So, imagine my shock when Anne said to me, in a bar, a month after our wedding, ‘Ya know, I think I wanna have a baby.’

‘I’m sorry, what?’ I asked calmly while trying not to choke on the beer I was having trouble forcing down my throat.

My anxiety kicked in. I made Anne promise that if we do this ‘you have a baby’ thing, I still get to have mine. She assured me that she wouldn’t back out of our agreement, we would have two children, no matter what. I forced her to pinky swear her loyalty to the plan religiously throughout the next five years it took to get that second baby in our arms.”

And Robin’s path to parenting had some twists and turns too.

From the moment my wife and I learned about reciprocal IVF (using my eggs but Mary would carry) we were all about it. The idea that we could make a baby who would have my genetics, but literally be made from Mary’s bones, seemed like the coolest science experiment ever invented.

We knew that was how we would create our family.

The downside? It would cost around $26,0000, and we only had enough money to try once. That meant no more IVFs and no more savings account. But we were blinded by the idea that the baby would be made of the two of us, so we forged ahead. It wasn’t until we were handed ten different prescription forms that we began to question our plan. I couldn’t help but think about the fact that the odds of us having a successful pregnancy in one round of IVF were not on our side. Not to mention what we would be putting ourselves through physically.

That’s when my wife said, “Are we going about this the hardest possible way?”

The answer was, “Yes.” We loved the idea of the baby coming from both of us, but we needed to prioritize being parents and being fiscally responsible over needing our baby to be from both of us. These are the decisions us L, G, B, T & Q’s have to make.

If These Ovaries Could Talk: The Things We’ve Learned About Making an LGBTQ Family includes stories from actor and comedian, Judy Gold, State Senator, Zach Wahls, poet, activist, and author, Staceyann Chin, America’s Got Talent alum, Julia Scotti, and The Abbys from Bravo TV.

This book is an informative, in-depth journey that is equal parts funny, serious, happy, sad, celebratory, cautionary, and powerful. Robin and Jaime compare the journey to parenthood for LGBTQ folks to a roller coaster ride. “At first, you’re really excited. The car chugs up the hill, clink-by-clink, and suddenly you’re wondering when was the last time they tightened the bolts on the tracks? That’s how it is when you’re spending a lot of money trying to have kids in a world that’s not set up for families like yours. You just have to hold on and try to enjoy the ride.”

Excerpt(s) from If These Ovaries Could Talk: The Things We’ve Learned About Making an LGBTQ Family. Copyright © 2020 Jaimie Kelton and Robin Hopkins. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission from Lit Riot Press.

 https://www.litriotpress.com/if-these-ovaries-could-talk-the-things-weve-learned-about-making-an-lgbtq-family 

to all the home depot lesbians in this subreddit, i hope you’re taking this into consideration and shopping at lowe’s. we’ve gotta put our money where it’s not going to bite us in our voluptuous asses!! : actuallesbians

to all the home depot lesbians in this subreddit, i

A place for discussions for and by cis and trans lesbians, bisexual girls, chicks who like chicks, bi-curious folks, dykes, butches, femmes, girls who kiss girls, birls, bois, aces, LGBT allies, and anyone else interested! Our subreddit is named r/actuallesbians because r/lesbians is not really for or by lesbians–it was meant to be a joke. We’re not a militant or exclusive group, so feel free to join up!

11 Lies About Break-Ups We’ve All Fallen For – KitschMix

11 Lies About Break-Ups We’ve All Fallen For – KitschMix

Let’s take a few minutes to talk about something unpleasant: Breaking up with your girlfriend. Especially around the holidays, break-ups can send you into the deepest, darkest pits of your soul, holding your happiness captive. Sometimes break-ups are messy, and people get hurt. You invest so much of your time, energy, and emotion into this one person and it gets harder to see the other people out there. This is especially true at the end of a toxic relationship where the partners are so involved in one another’s lives that they’ve literally lost touch with the outside world – friends, family members, anyone who used to mean the world to them before they entered their relationship.

To make matters worse, the brain doesn’t really like the idea of change – even positive change. Our brain, masquerading as our heart, takes bits and pieces of things and refuse to fully let go. It’s why you get nostalgic when looking through old pictures, and why you get teary-eyed when you remember your childhood pet. We appreciate things more after we’ve lost them, after all – so why would our romantic partners be any different?

Properly handling a break-up is one of those life-skills that isn’t automatically programmed into us, though – we’ve got to learn it (often the hard way). One of the first steps in resolving your break-up process is understanding that these 11 things are total bullshit.

“One last romp… For old time’s sake.”

There is absolutely no reason you need to sleep with someone one more time when you break up. Not only does it set the precedent that you’re only good for sex – which can drastically lower your self-confidence – but it also reinforces all the bonds you’re trying to break. Think about it: That’s like finding out you’re allergic to peanuts, and then chomping down on one last bag “for old time’s sake.” It’s not going to make the pain of the allergy any less severe, and it won’t make the pain of your break-up any less severe, either. It’ll just encourage you to fall into the same patterns you have, and make up with someone you really don’t belong with.

“The fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

Whoever started this line of thinking was clearly not looking out for anyone else’s interests when they first said it. The idea that you can move on by forcing yourself to move on completely undermines the grieving and reflecting process – both of which are essential to healing after a break-up. Your brain has withdrawals from oxytocin and it wants them to be dealt with as soon as possible – pushing you toward making irresponsible sexual decisions and placing unfair expectations on your new partner. Love yourself first, in every sense of the word, and be prepared for what the next relationship has in store for you, instead of forcing yourself to relieve your past relationships indefinitely. It might sound hokey, but it’s absolutely necessary.

“We can still be friends.”

I’ve always marveled at people who could stay friends with their exes after a bitter break-up. Once someone has crushed your feelings so completely, can you actually completely forgive them? Well, yes – but not right away. It’s impossible to be “just friends” with someone you have romantic feelings toward. Once those feelings are gone, things might be different – but they might be so different that you have no desire to be friends with this person anymore. It’s important that you focus on your mental and emotional health instead of trying to hold onto the past. It’s always going to sting a little to see when she’s moved on, but if you’ve still got feelings for her when it happens, it’s going to be devastating. Save yourself the heartache and opt to do your own thing until you’ve healed.

“It’s all her/my fault.”

Okay, so technically this one counts as two misconceptions, but the basis of both of them is exactly the same. Break-ups are very rarely (with extra emphasis on both parts) black-and-white or one-sided. Even if the relationship itself felt unbalanced, there was still one of you who frustrated the other, and the other who didn’t tackle those frustrations head-on. Everyone makes poor choices, but the wise among us learn and grow from those mistakes. Learning how to forgive can be difficult, but it’s essential that you forgive both yourself and her. I’m pretty partial to the forgiveness meditations within the Calm app myself – these forgiveness meditations are offered for free and have done wonders for improving my ability to let go of the past.

“Break-ups make you fat.”

I’ll admit that I’ve gone through a number of break-ups where I had gained a fair amount of weight by the time I met my next partner. I’ve also had break-ups where I lost a tremendous amount of weight before it was all said and done. It really comes down to how you handle it. The most successful way to handle a break-up is to use it as an opportunity to improve yourself – join a gym, start eating healthier, or just spend some time walking in nature every day. You’ll be amazed at how much of a difference it makes.

“Being single again sucks.”

Many people (myself included) don’t like the feeling of being single. Humans are social creatures, after all – even the most antisocial introverts among us need some type of interaction. But that’s not singledom that sucks – it’s loneliness, and they’re not one and the same. It’s all about your attitude: Will you choose to be happy today? Have you made a plan for how to handle your new single life? And, perhaps most importantly, have you taken the time to cherish, appreciate, and revel in your freedom?

“I’ll never fall in love again.”

Of course you will. Humans are social creatures, remember? Eventually the day will come when you’re drawn to someone else, and if you’ve closed off your heart to the idea of finding love again, it’s going to be really hard to cope with the “what might have beens” that are soon to come your way. I do believe that everyone is capable of having a truly timeless love, but to be quite blunt, if you broke up… This one wasn’t it.

“It came from totally out of the blue.”

When you hear someone say this about the end of their relationship, you can guarantee that – in their mind – they are painting their ex as a saboteur of romance. But break-ups are rarely spontaneous. There are almost always signs that things are on the rocks, but many people choose to ignore what they consider “bad news.” It’s good that you choose to focus on the positives, but ignoring the fact that your relationship was on the rocks is not the right type of optimism. Someone else’s feelings are on the line here, too.

“I can get through this break-up the same way I’ve gotten through every other break-up.”

Wouldn’t it be great if you could figure out the secret formula and end all the pain of break-ups for the rest of your life? Well, that would be great – but chances are, finding that formula would get rid of the need for a break-up in the first place. It’s not a lost cause, though, as long as you’re actually learning things from the relationship. Each and every person – and every relationship – is different, so if there really is a pattern forming, there might be some tough introspection to do – repeating the exact same mistakes will never lead to new results.

“I’m already damaged, so what’s the point in trying?”

If you’ve ever thought that it was too late to improve your life, or that you were just “bad at relationships,” you’re not alone – but you’re also the victim of a fixed mindset. It’s never too late to make your life better, because humans are ever-evolving and growing into different people. As long as you’re steadily making progress towards the better version of yourself, you are improving. Even slow progress is better than no progress at all.

“I can change. I deserve another chance.”

Well… Yes and no. It’s entirely possible that you can change, but do you really want to be making those changes to appease someone else? If you’re not making changes for yourself, your motivation will waver and you will mess up. It’s part of the process. (Even if you are doing it for yourself, slip-ups happen.) These slip-ups will damage the trust, respect, and self-worth in the relationship – are you sure you want to risk resentment?

More than just that, your ex is allowed to be happy, too, and she doesn’t owe you a second chance any more than you’d owe her one. No one has the right to expect someone else put their own happiness on the back-burner to your wants. Let her go find her own happiness, and take care when cultivating yours. Your second-chance will come, but it might not be with her, and you need to accept that before you can move on.